I have never denied having a temper, hell part of it is being a women, part is being brought up in a volatile home, never calm, never knowing kind hands.
I try to be calm now, but I admit I struggle, but in recent weeks thing’s have been so much easier, I have found myself able to ease off and feel when I may be getting to the edge and am able to take myself away from the situation, or switch off. I never allow my children to see me in a state of anger any more. (I won’t deny they have in the past, but they know I am trying my best to be better for them)
I get told I need to avoid triggers, get to the route of why I am like I am….. I have been told today to go see a doc, then I can get to the bottom of my problem, find out why I am like I am, and from there move forward.
I want to scream in their faces YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! YOU ARE CAUSING MY ANGER, refusing to listen, refusing to acknowledge positive changes, focusing only on past negatives, judging us for past mistakes me have learnt from. This frustrates me, doesn’t anger me but frustrates me.
The whole situation, whilst I take full blame for being here, triggers me, it reminds me of the past, causes flashbacks, reminds me of a time I can’t deal with, I can talk the talk, I can say the terms that needs to be said in emotionless terms, as I have been here, matter of fact, I know emotions don’t get you any where.
Yet I do struggle, when I am blamed for seeking support in a way to make people understand what my family is going through, support I have been told to reach out for, yet in a meeting its thrown back at me… Stalking my social media, to then use it against me, saying its not suitable?!
How can I find whom to trust if I don’t do it that way? Mail every person on my friends list, over and over and over in the hope of finding the ones who will be there, or put it to a private setting, and allow those that wish to help, advise, support come forward.
The latter I did, the latter gave me an amazing result,
I can not switch off the emotions until you deem it OK that I can show them… ie in a therapy session, I can’t ask my mind to withhold the flashbacks until a time that I am able to deal with them!
Expected to sweep it all under the carpet until a time YOU deem it OK that it can come forth and be dealt with, but that time? NEVER HAPPENS!
I have been here before, sorry if my trust is low,
Work with the system, not against….. been there done that.. Lost my boys,
Speak out, be Open… Been there, done that, lost my boys,
Jump through mile high hopes, been there, done that…. guess what… Lost my boys.
Its different now you say, Is it? I stand my ground, I speak my mind, I get accused of having anger issues,
I snapped in a meeting then walked away from the trigger…. a black mark against me… yet I get told if triggered walk away? So I did, yet I was wrong?
I showed anger at a system that is accusing me of something that is not wrong, to get my point, I left, Yet I was wrong, but if I had stayed and got more annoyed I would have been accused of dysregulating and not co operating with the services?
Unannounced visits, would show you a calm family home, laughter, happiness, joy, bet you didn’t look at that Facebook video did you?! NOOOO just the negative, because, damn can’t risk anything positive to be seen by you lot.
You won’t see anger, you won’t see frustration, you will just see a normal couple trying to create a safe calm fun and loving environment for their children
If you see anger from me, remember this small fact,
YOU ARE CAUSING THE ANGER, YOU ARE MY TRIGGER,
Do what you need to do for my boy to ensure he gets all he needs, but by hell, excuse me for hating a system that I can see if failing my family once again!
I know I am the fault, and trust me if I could change it I would, but I can’t yet.
Till then keep scrolling my social media, keep picking fault, keep at me for being so bad,
but simply put, FUCK YOU!
Use this against me, I no longer care!
peacefullyerratic.com 