What you don’t see

I write this post, because people think I am fine, I am fine, I am not OK but I am fine.
I do this with the mind that people see me online, they see me working, they see me sharing, I am communicating, I am planning, what they don’t see goes a lot deeper, but because I chose not to share it, they believe a false media profile, that is just a void space of time, that has no true meaning.

You see me smiling in selfies, but you don’t see the self loathing,
You don’t see the empty wardrobe, the same 3 dresses day in, day out, as I believe I am too fat to wear anything,
The unwashed hair, as it’s too long and painful to do anything with, Not cut in over 2 yrs,
The uncaring, not interested in doing anything self care, but shower before I need to meet with people,

You see me on behind the scenes photos, laughing and joking, you meet me on a shoot,
A smiling happy person, being a twat, not caring,
Yet you didn’t see the anxiety attack before the shoot, potentially a panic attack, the tears flowing, as my stomach goes into knots, unable to function as my husband talks me through the morning before we leave, holding my hands to stop them shaking,
Wonder why I chose morning shoot’s this is why, less time to worry, less time for this to build,

You see me out playing with children in the street, running around playing and being carefree,
But you didn’t see the drink in hand hiding behind the door to give me the confidence to not care,

You didn’t see last night, a night out, my legs shaking my body tense,
coming home tired, by the morning physically sick, shaking, unable to deal with the emotions of the night before,
The stress, the unknown, yet there was no negative,

You don’t see me come home and rip the blade into my arm in pure self loathing and hate,
Or the bruising covering my thighs as my anger is fixated on one moment in time,
You don’t see my tears at night, as I grip onto the blanket praying I don’t wake in the morning,

You see my husband supporting me, out being sociable,
But you didn’t see the anti depression tablets and others he had to take before he could function this morning<
To enable him to be able to deal with whatever brings forth that day,
He has to focus on the children, my needs come last, a daily battle in his own mind,

I love my work, I love what we create,
I don’t love the person behind it,
I don’t like who she is,

I am fine, I am not OK but I am fine.