I write this as a private blog, Yet it may end up public, I don’t know, I post it with the intention as a private blog as I know your sighs and exasperation will cause me so much guilt I won’t be able to cope. Guilt maybe I deserve as clearly I am a shit wife to you.
I often sit and question would you rather have not met me, would your life be better off if we had never crossed paths, our lives would clearly be so different. Yours’s happier and less stress, whilst I know mine would properly not exist, my name finally wiped from this world.
Yet as it stands, we are here, this is now, and I am so sorry for you feeling the way you do, for your feeling of emptiness and pointlessness.
What brings me to this post? A simple comment from you today, How I never forget anything anyone else says, yet I barely remember my own words.

Maybe I remember everyone else’s word, due to growing up with someone who lied constantly, that I struggled to remember the truth, so as a form of self protection now, I listen to every word and hold them close, too close, Maybe because I grew up with one who saw the non truth as the only truth, that I wanted to learn the truth, from a young child, I learned to pick apart everything to get to the real truth, no matter what it took in-between,
To sit now and hear words that hurt, maybe I hold them close and memorise them because I fear the tomorrow. As they are then used against me, which you have done, a form of self protection,
I don’t know.

I go back to a few weeks ago, a conversation between us, one I replay over and over, a moment between us, that you fucking hurt me, more then you realise, but I hold it in, I hold it back, refusing to hurt you more.
Seeing you struggle today, as always, ill try and put your needs first, but please, I ask you bare with me if I appear selfish at times.

A few weeks ago, I sat and asked you, about narcissistic behaviour, your reply, I didn’t know how to take, things as a reply,
I shall post the next sentence in the best way I know how, even though I know its wrong.

You claim to be able to *forget your wrong doings* brush them under the carpet, you have a go at me for remembering pain you caused me, apparently this isn’t natural, I have to forget them too, like you, yet one simple mistake on my end, and its the end of everything, a mistake you will never let me forget, I don’t understand that logic, punish me for 30 seconds of *wrong* yet I have to forgive you for years of the same?

I no longer understand what is right or wrong, I no longer understand where wrong doings are acceptable, or whether they are bad.

Forgive me for being confused, I just don’t understand where I have gone wrong on my own thoughts and feelings?
I had more I wish to write, but my mind says no right now, so Ill leave these here and return to it,
Maybe one day, who knows, my thoughts matter no more, I no longer care,
I guess Ill see how the tomorrow I don’t wish to wake for goes.