2006

At a time when I crave solitude and to be on my own, there was once a time, I had more then enough alone time, there was a time, I went from being in a supported unit, with people around, to nothing, pure nothing.
My first proper home should have been one of joy.
A home where I could decorate as I wished, a home I could arrange furniture with no fear, close the front door and be myself.
Not long after moving in, reality hit me hard.
I try not to think of this day, yet yesterday, a moment, talking triggered this time, I hope by writing it out, I can walk away from it, but I know it will play over and over in my mind, a moment so small, meaning nothing to others, but everything in my path in this existence we call life.

Taking my first step into my first rented home, taking the keys, as tears threatened to fall,
A sense of apprehension came over me, excited but scared, finally my own place,
I could dance to music at 3am, I could cook a roast at 8am, I could sleep at noon,
No one to stop me, no one to judge me, it was my own home.
As professional’s faded from my life, I soon found myself alone,
I found myself in an empty shell, material items meant nothing,
The furniture just there, the décor just something to walk by,
Friend’s didn’t exist, family wrapped up in their own lives, I realised I was more then just alone.

As min’s ticked by, as hours moved to day’s, I slowly lost track of those day’s,
I lost comprehension of time, Day to night, I didn’t know the difference,
Turning on the TV, I couldn’t tell if I was watching morning re-run’s,
Or fresh evening show’s, opening the curtains, empty street’s told me nothing,
In a time of no full social media or the modern phone’s we have now,
I’d wonder to the supermarket, in the hope of some human contact,
Instead I’d stand in the aisle’s, watching the world pass me by,
Feeling so empty, I’d take the long walk home, fearing those 4 walls,
My once home of excitement became one of loneliness.

A fortnightly visit to the job centre, kept me going,
It was also at a time I felt able to speak to a doctor, I was prescribed soluble anti depressant’s,
I took them, but they did nothing to lift this feeling of nothing,

I had no one to turn too, all had their own life’s, the rare moment,
I took it so hard and held it dear,

Soon, I realised weeks had passed without a soul reaching out,
My bare communications ignored,

One trip to the supermarket, I grabbed a bottle of wine,
Learning that this helped me with the lost day’s,
A bottle soon became a daily occurrence,

One Sunday morning, I woke, I felt something I had never felt,
Feeling’s I don’t wish to describe here, I went downstairs, 930am,
3 bottles of unopened wine, I took one, opened it, by 1030am I was on the second bottle,
Seeing the new packed of anti depressants plus the remaining box,
I knew I had to take one, slugging down the wine,
I found pill after pill under my tongue, I couldn’t stop, I didn’t want to stop,
Yet I did, only briefly, so I could write an email to a older couple I knew,
I don’t remember writing it, but I wrote my heart.

Half a pack of pills, empty, I saw the new packet,
I opened it, carried on, washing it down with the wine,
I felt nothing, as tears flowed.
Finally nothing left, I wanted to sleep, but could barely move,
Dragging myself up stairs, pulling myself into the bathroom,
Holding onto the sink, unable to hold my own weight,
Looking into the mirror, I felt nothing but anger and self loathing,
A failure, No idea of the time, I wanted to sleep,
Struggling I pulled myself into my bedroom, closing the curtains,
I laid down in bed, and just let warmth and dark overtake my body,

No recollection of time, I find myself waking, my body in convulsions,
Yet I didn’t feel fear, I let it run, it stopped then restarted over and over,
out of my control, but I felt no concern for what was happening,
Between I would sleep, until finally I woke to a calm, my body my own again,
Taking myself downstairs, I make myself a coffee, all strength in me,
Emotional, psychical, mental, gone.
Yet no hang over, no clear external effects from the amount I had taken,
Seeing my letter box, I find a note from the couple I had emailed,
no concern, just posting a skirt through they had got me,
My email had raised no fear in them,
I felt the tears fall, my life felt worthless, pointless.
I didn’t want this, I didn’t like this, Trapped in my own four walls,
Trapped in my own mind, if this was reality, I didn’t want it.

I realise now, this is the point my life became nothing to me,
it already had little meaning, little point, but this moment,
Through no ones fault, this is the moment my self loathing,
became part of my existence,
Over the years able to hide it, over the years able to disguise it,
yet always there eating away at me, reminding me, poking me,
Almost mocking me.
I do not value my life, I have no fear, but fear of life as it may be,

I am not afraid