Forgetful

Early hours of the am, I feel the words I wish to speak, but by the morning, my mind escapes me, So I blog now, in the hope I make sense of the mind I live. At night I speak what I feel in the hope of the morrow I remember, I tell myself I will, but rarely do I, yet its those moments I feel the most.

A dream, a memory of a moment, A moment I wish to forget.
A dream of a memory of a time my innocence was stolen,
I view the moment in a time of another, yet the pain is there,
I watch everything unfold before me, I scream out,
I grasp a hope of saving myself from this time,
Yet I know its hopeless,
A memory I cannot change,
A dream, a potential I can prevent,
Yet a moment of time past, I have to live through, its happened,
I can do nothing but relive the pain

A small child, I stand and listen to his voice
As he approaches me, as he informs me, his words are all,
As he reassures me, his doing is right, all else to be ignored,

My body shakes, but I can’t rid of what is to happen,
A dream I can not change, a dream I can escape,
Yet A Memory I have to live through over and over,

I simply cannot change the past,
As I sit and revisit a time of agony over and over,

my breathe deepens, a secret reinforced,
My body lashes out, no help, no hope,
my breath wants to stop,
The vision as he comes closer, over whelming,
the sense of loathing over taking,
I am nothing, I hear his words,
his little secret, my body his,

I shudder, know this is a memory,
Yet I pray my dream can end the pain,

I feel a breath close to mine,
I feel my mind reach out,
In a cry for help,
Yet no reply.

His lips reach mine,
I cry out,
His hands touch my body,
I shudder,
his voice telling me I am bad,
My body so small,

9yrs old, I surrender,
realising I mean nothing,
memories taking over dreams,
I pray for release,
I hope for freedom,
Yet know adults mean more

I am nothing,
I suffer for their pleasure,
I endure for their future,

I am nothing, my being is set,

My dream causing me to shake,
My memory reminding me a pain,

Why am I here today?
Seek to the tomorrow?

Tell me what is the point,
When all it does is cause suffering
As I sit in tears with no comfort,

Drink a blame, no help a blame,
yet no one understand these are the only excuse to a tomorrow
this dream came last night, sober as,
the pain real, as the tears flowed as the world slept,
Today I blog, yet Rum to blame.

I pray one day one will understand pain comes from memory,

Not drink and ramblings that flow from the mind that is fearful when not