Laying in bed, stating into the darkness, sleep no longer a option,
Curled up under the duvet, praying sleep to come,
I watch the shadows dancing in the moonlight.
Anxiety starts to kick in, my tummy doing back flips, I feel sick.
My mind starts to play games,

You deserve this, if you hadn’t have done that you wouldn’t be here,
You are so stupid, you never learn, rip your arms to shreds, its all you are worth,
They are better without you, You asked for the shit you put yourself in,
Walk in their shoes, you provoked that assault, you aren’t worth anything,
See that bridge? Use it.

Memories flooding in, rushing through my mind,

Get that blade, dig it into your arm, All you do is cause pain and anger,
They are better without you, You did that, you caused that,
That moment you feared, your own fault, you did that,

Upset, anger from others, stop it, stop it, just stop it,
When will you learn you cause nothing but pain,
Where ever you go, you can’t make friend’s, you aren’t worth it,

Selfish bitch, just selfish, let’s remember this moment,
Let me pull you back to a time you don’t want to remember,
Pull you into a memory that will hurt, but hurt you deserve,

My tummy feel sick, my breath hard and fast,
I start to shake, no comfort, I hold onto the now,
I desperately hold reality, as images start to flow,

You are pointless, you aren’t needed, you do nothing but cause anger,
You never learn, find another way, just go,
Pushing all away, refusing to learn, never shut up,

wrecking every path you walk, refusing to listen,
Refusing to understand, you don’t listen,
You are nothing, NOTHING,

Remember that time, that time you couldn’t shut up,
People ended up upset, your fault, just your fault

The times they upset you? Your fault, all your fault.
Smash your head against a wall, it’s all you are worth


The tears starting to fall,
They say the truth hurts,
Is this the truth?
Words rushing through my mind,
Images flashing then going,
Nothing staying,
I can’t keep up with the flood of moments,
I sit up, I hold the bed tight,
I want to grab a blade,
I want to scream, But I can’t,
Instead, I hold tight, I try and breathe,

My mind not allowing reality to fall,
I want to scream but nothing comes out,
I lay in my bed, I hold the blanket covering me,
I don’t want this, I want to run,
What holds me back?
I don’t know, but I fear it won’t be long before I run,

What do I care for now? I am nothing,
I do nothing but cause pain, I do nothing but cause anger,

I loathe my existence, I loathe my mind,
Where and when does it stop?
As I allow the panic attack to flow through my body,
As I struggle to understand reality from memory,
Nothing to ground me, nothing to reassure me,
I lose myself to the fear,

Yet, I am not afraid