I keep getting told to get help, but help isn’t always easy to get, so many seem to think it’s as simple as picking up the phone and asking for it, but sadly that’s not the reality, esp in this covid ridden world right now.
In Jan of 2020, a phone call, wiped me from the mental health systems, they felt there was nothing they could do, no offering of anything, just deleted and left on my own. Fine, I am used to that, this is what I have always had, been let down by professionals at every turn, so I shrugged it off and moved on.
Thing’s have not been great, there is no over night cure, there is no oh look I am fine, as much as I try and convince myself I am, no hope, just muddle on and pray I can get through to the other side with no issues.
September, I sat on the *wrong* side of a bridge, (I will still argue to the ends over what is the wrong side, and who’s to clarify that part) from there the police were able to put in a firm report to services, as well as other professionals, for some reason, the time my mind told me I wasn’t actually setting out to do anything, is the one time professional’s pushed to the ends to get me the help, I apparently need.
I use the word apparently, as I still don’t see myself as needing help, don’t see a problem with how I am. See it as normal, even though it may not be the next person’s normal. Yet when it’s all you know and understand, it becomes a normal, despite other people’s ideal’s that it isn’t.
Moving forward to today, today I saw someone from the ICMHT, there was no beating around, no fobbing me off, there was no *what do you want* (a question I simply cannot answer), it was a lady listening, taking notes, and listening, asking questions, I mentioned suicidal ideation, was able to talk about detachment, explain my moods, not in depth, enough to touch the edges to be able to open a book that has been slammed shut for so long,
OK, So I’ll admit I really didn’t want to be there, after a while, my agitation was clear, when I was asked what did I expect to get from this, not what did I want, but what did I expect, this was different, I couldn’t handle that question. I felt anger rising, no need, no reason, tears felt but never fell, I was confused by this emotion,
During this time, some words were said, words now I reflect on, and make me question something, something which I will blog on separately, I hate this because now my brain will play games, but whilst it does,
I shall keep reminding myself, today was potentially the first step to actually being listened too, the first step to actually being on a path to some kind of help. I refuse to use the word recovery, for my own reason’s I won’t speak of.
Yet that all aside, I was at one time, accused of not doing anything to help myself, with people not understanding its simply not that easy, but today, I can sit, there and say, Today, I braved travelling, I braved sitting in a situation I feel uncomfortable in,
Today,
I took that 1st step to a path that brings me more unknown, yet it’s a positive unknown.
I can work with this, I can defo work with this,
Whilst my mind plays what it does, I can work with a sliver of hope and potential.
it’s a start, and that’s all that matters
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