I write this from my own thoughts, through no judgement of anything or anyone, it’s a question I am curious of, and understand there Is no answer, but sometimes It’s good too just let go and vent?
My whole life I have struggled with an identity, struggled with people,
relationships in any form, they are not natural to me,
hatred, arguments, disagreements, volatile reactions,
it’s all I have learnt over the years,
My personality built around this learned behaviour,
conversations only gained through negative reactions,
I am lost, I hate what I have learnt but never been shown another way.
No excuses, No bullshit…
Personal Life, I am hated, told I am nasty, I am told I am worthless,
Told my mental health issues are fake, an attention seeking option,
People hate me, say I am a liar and more, the hate from all angles
Work Life, I am self employed, 7 yrs of hard work,
Loved, appreciated, wanted,
Told I am kind and considerate, informed I care for others,
Selfless, kind, and creative,
How can I be two people in one body?
Only one can be the truth, but which is it?
Or am I being used in both, resulting in a reaction,
Of opposite personalities, clashing within one soul,
At which point, how does one soul know which is the truth,
How can one live a life, when the true soul is one of confusion,
am I nasty and worthless, a bully and cruel,
or am I kind and thoughtful and creative?
Conflicting, confusion, causing anger and pain,
Yet kind and thoughtful,
Is it possible to be both?
yet those that speak the cruel words, are strongest,
I stand my ground , I hold my truth,
Yet it’s not enough,
standing speaking my soul, defending my existence,
yet its not enough, I am lying, I am nothing ,
In the work world, smiles and laughter,
wanted, and needed, told I am creative and kind,
Informed I am loved and wanted,
Yet its not enough
Where do I stand? I am confused?
Am I unkind, uncaring, In which case tell me so I can correct my behaviour
Or am I kind and creative and loving, in which case, tell me,
How can I do right, when every right is corrected by a wrong?
I will never deny struggling with people and reactions,
I struggle with those misunderstanding my reactions,
I struggle with those assuming an existence that is of one path,
Not understanding there is more to a journey,
accusing, abusing and hating,
Yet is that the real me?
Tonight told, my creativity is amazing, and needed,
Informed that my tomorrow and plans are amazing,
Photos created of yesterday, are bringing smiles and laughter,
Yet how can they, when I am noting but nasty and horrid,
I am confused??
I ask can someone explain to me in simple terms.
am I nasty and worthless, as claim by others,
Or am I creative and worth as claim my clients,
or is there an in between I have yet to understand?
peacefullyerratic.com 
Alice, I’ve ‘known’ you a number of years now, I’ve followed your journey, I’ve smiled with you and been very sad in your darkest times that you’ve shared with our small community. Your are not nasty at all, your a mum who cares, your a human being who has to constantly defend the person you are. You have mental health issues that others have been very unkind about, for that I am sorry. I hope one day you feel safe and secure. Your talent is incredible and I’m so pleased that you will continue to share it to the world. For me your inspirational, I know you don’t see it but know that to many people you are wonderful regardless of the minority who don’t agree, sod them! All my love Jo x
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