Tonight

Still feeling raw, still feeling numb, normally I wait to blog these, but whilst this feeling is still here in this moment, I will blog as I feel

My brain works strange at times, today it played it’s games, nothing felt right,
A feeling inside I can’t explain, unable to settle, I found myself pacing,
I wanted to get out, I needed to get air, space, I needed time alone.
I got in the car, I drove, just drove, I had no care to where or why, I wanted away.
My mind and body in auto pilot, Not knowing, just craving peace,
Away from the hate and anger, a place were no one could get me,
A place where I felt safe, I wanted a place were nothing surrounded me,
I found myself on the bridge, sat on a ledge water far below me,
Nothing in front of me, nothing either side of me,
Nothing but a barrier and road behind me, Silence bar nature,
I sit and just think of nothing, publishing a blog post, time passes me,
Suddenly I hear a voice, I chose to ignore, then more voice’s,
I get annoyed as I realise I am surrounded by the police,
I ask them to leave me be, there is no situation, but the situation they are causing,
They didn’t listen, no one listens, they asked me if I was OK, what could they do,
But what could they do, when what I need them to do, is just ignored
They asked me to come to the right side of the barrier, I asked which really was the right side?
Just because they saw my side as the wrong, doesn’t mean it was,
Who’s to say mine wasn’t the right side, and theirs the wrong?
Either way, no, I wasn’t going to shift to their apparent right side,

Darkness falling, I wanted the darkness, I needed the warmth of the night,
That feeling of oblivion around me, yet the voices kept breaking through my peace,

Below, lights on the water, No, white feathers, No,
Oh, 20+ white swans shimmering on the black water below,
The most beautiful sight, as we all stopped to look, watch this moment,
A shared moment in a time of confusion.

I felt so calm, I felt at ease, Nothing could come at me from any angle,
nothing could touch me, nothing could break my peace,
Apart from the police,

Finally, bored of them, telling them I was bored, Letting them know I wasn’t interested,
Letting them know, I didn’t care for their words, they informed me they would send me home,
I said is this real, or do you lie to bring me back to your side of the barrier,
They ensured they spoke the truth, I ensured it was either home or the water,

I don’t know what I intended to do when I left home, Or even if I had any intentions,
My mind going blank wasn’t my choice, Feeling nothing scares me yet calms me.
I feel nothing now, I want to feel something, anything, but not even tears threaten me.

What happens now, sleep, then, I guess back to normal tomorrow,
Tonight, the last few hours, as I type this, feels surreal,
Like I have just woken from a sleep, yet I haven’t been sleeping
Almost like it didn’t happen, but it did,
Damn, I wish I could just feel something