London

A memory that sits strong in my mind, a flash back that has happened more then one time, a moment that lives blurred but strong in a time of confusion. A moment with no strong timeline, I ask bare with me as I blog this memory, my first of this style, this is so hard, but I need to do this.

Aged 17, a young female, my home was a small town on the coast, No friends, just my mother for comfort and security, yet nothing was strong or certain.
I had no role model, I accepted what was told by my mother, by others around me. My world so small, I believed all said to me.
Aged 17, the internet didn’t exist, Teletext was my only link to some where new. I signed in every day, I browsed daily,
I wanted more, I researched more, I craved the attention. I discovered pen-pals. I signed up. Within weeks 3 replies. Excitement filled my body as I replied. Attention, something new, a world yet to be discovered.
Innocence as 3 guys mailed me, 3 names I hold to this day, 3 names I shall never utter. Weeks of back and forth letters. I felt like someone. At 17 I felt no longer alone, I felt wanted, I felt worthwhile.

One penpal, He asked to meet with me, giggling as a shy school girl, I asked how, he said he would pay for me to visit London.
The idea of London, bright lights, big buildings, a potential of seeing a world I never knew, excited me.
I spoke to my mother, she encouraged this, she asked nothing of the person I would visit, she asked nothing of the place I would end up. I just said London, can I go, she simply replied Yes.
Naive, I agreeded. Before I knew what was happening, I had the information of travel,
Day’s later, stood at Exeter Train Station, Excited at the potential before me, encouraged by my mother, I couldn’t wait for what stood before me.

4 hours later, I find myself with apparent the guy in the penpal letters.
Unsure, thinking I had got it wrong, I agreed to step inside his black cab. I trusted I would be safe, My mother allowed me here, she had assured me, so I must be safe right?

I remember walking into a flat, I remember a lounge, a old guy sat on sofa , and the guy who brought me there,
I remember being offered a cup of tea, I said OK, Nervous unsure, I was scared,

Told to sit, told not worry, i say
I remember being excited at the chance of something new,
I remember, being asked to take off my trousers,
I remember being confused and saying No.
I picked up my cup of tea, downing it, In uncertainty, apprehension kicking in.

My eyes fluttered, I felt fuzzy, I looked around me, I felt softness beneath me,
I tried to focus above me, I saw a net upon the ceiling,
I felt a body next to me, I felt weighted down, I felt confused,
I realise it’s the morning, Light shining through a window heavily covered,

I felt discomfort between my leg’s, I turned, I questioned,
Silence as the guy beside me, sat and smiled, Laughed,
The words, *Not worth anything* coming before my ears.
I panic, I demand to go home, I demand to be let out,
I look around me, a bare bed, no furniture in the room,
A net above me, stuff on the walls, I feel fear, I want my home.

Within hours I am on a train home, I feel safe, I realise a mistake had been made.
Home, I felt safe, I did not tell my mother, Instead I held it in,
Learned behaviour told me I was wrong, I fucked up.

A few days in a phone call accusing me of stealing ps games,
Accusing me of being a thief, I cry and scream down the phone they are wrong,
I ask they listen, yet they refuse, Yet what good were games,
Games of a console that meant nothing to me.
I turn to my mother, who was more concerned of people downstairs,
Visitors I had upset by my screaming down the phone,
Her interest in my life meant nothing,
Her being, her role, her reputation meant more.
I held the pain in, I held the memory to one side,
I knew I had done no wrong,
I slammed down the phone for the 4th time,
I could have been murdered, but I realised then, ~
For the 2nd time,
It didn’t matter, My life didn’t matter,
I was alone.

I was alone. True Fear reached my soul