A saying I speak to myself daily, a saying I live by, I feel a saying I have no choice but too make my own, as every one else in this world is in a worse place then my own, I understand that, I respect that, I have it said to me enough, but I wish to express one experience in the past few days, regardless if it’s unimportant.
Tuesday just gone, anxiety as normal, was loitering,
Just sitting in the background, there, yet simmering,
but this Tuesday was slightly different, slowly I could feel it building,
Confused, I sat trying to understand triggers, sat trying to understand why,
Yet no answers came, instead it just built upon itself,
I loathe that feeling, feel out of control, yet so in control,
In control via one or two drinks, drink brings me down,
Causes a distraction, a bad distraction, but a fun one, One I can deal with,
Yet the feeling built, Praying I could bring it under control,
Spending time with neighbours, annoying said neighbours,
Smiling, laughing, distraction, anything but the feeling inside,
I loathed the feeling inside, used to it, yet this was different,
Distraction, I needed distraction, anything but this.
Late in the evening, feelings out of control,
Anxiety left me, as a panic attack kicked in,
My body betraying me, my heart pounding,
My mind betraying me, as tears flowed,
I took a shower, praying for hot burning water to ground me,
Instead, I sit on the bathroom floor,
My control betraying me, as blood ran down my arms,
Later, screaming in fear, my mind taking me to a place of past,
Fearing people, fearing communication, fearing touch,
My mind in a place of the past, No longer in this day,
Voices I knew, yet didn’t, I screamed out in fear,
As I lay on the floor, wanting to feel pain to bring me back to now,
Struggling, as my fist met my body, no care or want part of me now,
Control lost, as sobs wracked my body, I lost my control,
Curled in a ball on the floor, reality leaving me,
Shaking, crying, screaming to be left alone,
Fear taking over my soul, heart pounding,
Struggling to breathe, I felt lost, I wanted sleep,
I finally find myself in my bed, yet, rest wasn’t to come,
Rest isn’t my friend, a unsettled night ahead of me,
Hatred filling my body, but I slept in between nightmares,
The next morning, exhausted,
Physically and mentally,
Yet having to carry on as normal,
I loathe my existence , I loathe what life has brought us too,
Yet I have no right to complain, people worse then me,
We are all here now I have been told,
it makes my pain no less, but it makes it unimportant,
One to be dealt with privately,
So I blog this, in fear of being trolled, and reminded,
Life right now is for all, mental health suffering,
So I will say now, I am sorry you are going through this,
I am sorry your pain is one of hell,
I pray you get through this time,
I pray you find comfort in this time,
I pray you come through this a stronger person,
And you find the comfort and help you deserve.
peacefullyerratic.com 