This isn’t a post on reflection, I do not see the point of reflection, it changes nothing, but brings forward the failures of the past year, the pain and reminders that I am still here. This isn’t a post on my so called mental health, as apparently my mental health can be switched off right now as others are suffering much worse, (this I quote by the way)
This is purely a post to say a year ago I landed on a path that until now not many experienced. I do not ask for sympathy, nor do I ask for responses, I wish for nothing more then to vent without fear, though fear fills my soul every time I post here.
A year ago my mind took a different path to what I was used too, Physically and mentally,
It took me to the depths and allowed me, to see me for whom I really am,
This realisation has been hard for me, and will be for as long as I walk this earth,
On 2nd April 2019, I left my home not knowing my intention,
I left home, wanting to be left, yet wanting help,
I wanted to hide from the hate filling my mind everyday,
Hate from myself, hate from others, just constant reminders,
Reminders that I wasn’t worth anything, I was just pointless,
Reminders that sit in to this day, reminders I am pointless,
Reminders that constantly flood my mind, whether via others,
Or reminders when my mind reminds me of things gone by,
A year ago today, at this time of the day, I was in a secure unit,
My motives questioned, questions I could not answer,
As the hours prior, were nothing more then a blank,
Over the past year, more blanks have happened,
As have panic attacks, as have other attempts at ending this hell,
As has confusion and confliction,
Whilst hatred and pure self loathing fills my soul,
My arms show scars that grow by the week,
My thighs no longer bruise, yet bare my pain and frustration,
Again tonight I am reminded my opinion is wrong,
Told to walk away, as its easier, Yet I see no others walking away,
I see others speaking a similar voice, and are allowed,
Why is my name so bad, it results in hatred,
Or is it me? Am I truly not realising how horrid I am as a person,
Slowly realising my name is nothing but mud,
My existence nothing but a burden,
Myself as a person, someone to be avoided,
Manipulating friendships, controlling relationships,
No care for others, only my own gain,
I am so confused,
The fact, I even need permission to blog,
Wait for a time that suits others, angers me, which proves how selfish I am,
Why should I be angry when I am putting others needs first?
I need to focus on others, that is my soul purpose in life,
Yet I am struggling, No idea who I am any longer,
Yet I cannot complain, as apparently we are all in this place now,
Stuck in 4 walls, waiting for permission to live freely once again,
My blog I was told was good to allow myself a safe place to vent,
Then I get accused of glamorising suicide,
I am told to ignore those who sit and say this to me,
Yet on other hand advised to keep it private to ensure no upset to others,
Yet I see others talk their stories, with no judgement.
It brings me to this,
The last 12 months, pain, confusion, hatred, uncertainty,
A path walk that hasn’t ended,
A path discovered that I have no clue were it will lead,
My wants and desires far apart from that of others,
I am told I am not selfish, that is, Until I chose my own path,
Then I am told to think of others and their needs,
Keep others happy, focus on them,
My needs are unimportant,
Yet, Take time for yourself,
Oh hell I have to hold off as someone needs something,
Pull on a mask, Pretend the last year didn’t happen,
Sit and focus on others,
Hide the pain, hide the scars,
Don’t upset others,
Don’t speak out, Don’t have a voice,
Don’t offend others,
The world has gone to shit, the world now, is one of loss,
One of everyone suffering, the world is now lost,
No one knows what is to be, when this will end,
Whether this will end,
Does this mean now I can be finally normal
Can I be selfish and use to this, to say,
Everyone is now in this place (as I am constantly told)
So no one has a right to judge me any longer,
No one has a right to hate me for speaking out,
As apparently we are all on this path of mental health,
And everyone understands where I am,
They are here,
yet they have it worse, again as I am told,
So I have to keep quiet not speak out, as its offensive to those truly suffering,
My so called issues mean nothing, compared to those on front line,
yet I still need to keep quiet, to ensure I do not offend those truly suffering,
Do not dare to compare my path to theirs,
I am so confused
A year ago, I felt so alone,
Now, today, everyone is here,
Dam what a change around!
and yes I am fucking confused!
No rhyme or reason to this,
What I wanted to write, has left my mind, instead I rant,
Lost and confused.
Instead I just sit and state,
*I am not afraid*
peacefullyerratic.com 