Pro Choice

Not my normal blog post, I have been unsure whether to post this here or direct to social media, I may do both.
I live my life via pro choice, I do not believe in pro life, nor do I believe in pro suicide, Where my mind is at personally given my journey over the past year I will never tell.
Given how current mental health is, you would think I should be opening up and speaking out, when in realty for those in the darkest of places, reaching out is nearly impossible.

Last week my mind was in a strange dark place, (it still is) I won’t lie, it has been for a long while now, but I am learning to deal with it in my own way, as reaching out to others is a struggle.
Last week my social media feed was full of random posts, general chit chat, funny meme’s, banter.
Today my news feed is full of people sharing a Be Kind profile photo add on, sharing pro life statuses, sharing statuses saying to speak out, suicide awareness, and so forth.

What has changed in that time?
A few short days ago, a famous person took their own life, Heartbreaking, a choice, one she felt she had no other way out.

What I want to know is why does it take a famous person’s suicide to raise awareness, a famous person, not your friend down the road, or a relative. Not a person who we may come across in general.
Why was my news feed empty last week of mental health awareness, why is it only on special days or when a name passes on?
A beautiful soul I know took her own life just a few day’s before Xmas, yet as she is unknown, it has gone unnoticed, there was no pro life comment’s then, just a sadness at a loss of someone close.

Maybe if I’m struggling I should reach out I hear you say, but why would I, when part of my struggles is not knowing who cares, or where I can turn too.
Esp when it has been made clear to me, That for me to mention any thought of suicidal ideation whether passive or active to my husband, is then, seen as me emotionally abusing and emotionally black mailing him.
Whether I live with those thoughts right now is irrelevant, as to speak of them is wrong, and I would be accused of not putting others emotional well being first, So can I ask, at which point is one able to reach out without fear of this?
When I am sitting down with my dinner, when they reach out to me once in a blue moon, when I am having a panic attack, when the other person say’s its ok too, or When I am stood on the edge of bridge ready to say good bye to this existence?
So a famous person taken their own life, and it’s now again people are talking, sharing, opening arms, stating that its OK to talk openly, saying that they can be spoken too, why now? Why not last week, why not the month before?
It’s confusing and in my mind makes mental health a fad and a trend, one that comes and goes as famous people choose to end their existence.
What happened to the person next door, is their life not as important?

I would also like to add, It has been made known to me, suicide is selfish. If suicidal thoughts are seen as part of a mental illness, then how can it be selfish?
Surely a mental illness is one to be spoken of and talked about, and I assumed that suicide was as seen as part of that, yet is also seen as selfish, So why would we speak of it?

Maybe my views are wrong, yet it’s my own thoughts, I ask not to be judged for having an opinion.

As it stands, with were I am now, One small community of people I have discovered, who over time we have grown and got to trust one another, a group of like minded people who understand, who stand in a dark place also, supporting each other, formed via a common theme, yet keeping each other going daily. I am eternally grateful to these people, we will never meet in person, but knowing you are there, Just thank you