Flashback

Flashbacks for me are done in a situation that mean nothing, but my mind playing games with me, today was different, today I ended up feeling physically sick but yet again had to hide my feelings, as the situation was so hard.

This morning a planned meeting, one of a serious nature, but one that was also positive, yet not, its confusing. Past fears lead me to distrust those we are meeting, yet their words are ones to try and believe in, yet let down so many times before I never know which way to turn. Today though, wow, today I learned its the simple things that can trigger me, its the simple things that can be the worst. Walking into the centre, my 4 mini humans surrounding me, unsure of what awaits bar a meeting to discuss said those 4. Signing in, I look around me when suddenly a feeling of oppression overcomes me. I hold back, grab my oldest in for a hug. Thinking the fear of whats to come is all there is, I breathe and wait holding this child in close.

5 mins later they are taken to a room, suddenly I find myself rewinding back 14 yrs.

Walking into a building, surrounded by people, surrounded by authority, the future of my child no longer solely my own. Guided to a small room down a corridor, taking a child to a small room, leaving them with a family worker, whilst I was spoken to by those in control, those who could chose the destiny of that small life in the room down the corridor. Holding back all emotions for fear of being judged, holding back the tears knowing it would be used against me, being strong for that little life in that room.
An hour they said, I had an hour with him, just an hour to sit in a small room with a sofa, a table a non working TV, and some pointless toys. Enjoy your time they said, you have an hour to spend with your child until the next time. They asked me to remain calm and controlled or I would lose the next time, or this time would be shortened. Blackmailed in a way, I don’t know, I just know I could no longer be human, I had to be someone else, someone with nothing but numbness running through her veins, a feeling that I soon became so used to, it was normal.
My hour spent, others note taking, watching, monitoring, ensuring that child was safe. Yet how could he be anything but safe when stuck in a room 10 feet by 6feet, no escape, no time alone with his birth mother, no time to be anything but a robot going through the motions.

A hand on my shoulder, bringing me back to today, I shake my already shaking body, I take a step forward, as my husband takes my children down the corridor, an anxiety attack threatening me, wanting to run, I turn away, hold back the feelings, having learned how to hold back in some ways the anxiety (not always successful but you know I try!) I wait, and hope. Walking upstairs to the meeting room, a room that was large, it was suggested we swap with the smaller room. Inside my stomach turns, I shake my head, I want out so fast, I want to be away from this place. Its not the place, but its a place with a name and associations attached I want to run away from. People, officials, I hated this.
Sitting down, my body yet again betraying me as I shake, after a while, my mantra calming me inside my mind, I get through the next hour some how.
As soon as over, I grab my four mini humans, taking them from that place, taking them to normality as my mind refuses to let go of the emotions from the past.

They say time is a healer, I say they lie, you can fake it, you can hide it, but in realty it never leaves you.
I never want to return there, to that place we stepped into today. Please don’t make me return, I can’t do that. My fear is too great, the memories and emotions too strong.