This was a day of very high emotion, a day where my husband saw me at the lowest, a day that I wish I could change, but I can’t do that, so reflecting and moving on, is all I can at least try to do
May 10th 2019. That knot hit me hard again. Despite this date being closet it’s the hardest one to remember. It was the worst moment of the most recent, it happened within the home, it hit me out of no where, it came at me and nearly destroyed more then I ever intended too.
I don’t know where it began, I don’t know what the trigger was, I have no point I can sit there and go that was it. By this date, rum has become a daily friend, (it still is to this day) a comfort to block out the memories and other thoughts running through my mind. Some day’s I will just have a drink or two, others Ill empty a bottle and I am drunk, the latter was one of those days.
I was feeling out of sorts for no reason other then, I just was. Most days I wake wondering if I would see the end of the day, wondering if I even wanted too, I have plans that one day I won’t be here, but that time wasn’t yet. Its hard to explain. This day was a day I just wanted to drink though. I wanted my brother down, I needed someone to ground me, My husband got in touch with him, but as can happen, my brother has his own issues and we were ignored.
From around 7pm, the children in bed, all was quiet, and the rum going down fast, from there though,
I remember only fleeting moments.
I remember pouring a strong rum and coke,
I remember telling my husband the women he wanted back had long gone,
I remember when he held me to try and calm me down,
I remember going to get broken glass, leaning on the sideboard, ripping into my wrists,
I remember blood falling, but not enough to get me were I wanted to be,
I remember feeling broken, not wanting to be here, I wanted it to stop,
I remember shouting at him, though the words I don’t recall,
I remember him restraining me on the floor, trying to stop me hurting myself
I remember sitting on the bathroom floor trying to get the glass to cut more,
I remember feeling anger at failing at something else yet again,
I remember the locked bathroom door being pulled open,
I remember seeing a person, a police officer,
I remember him restraining me, and trying to calm me,
I remember being in a police van, angry lashing out, wanting to be left.
There was so much more, but I don’t recall those moments,
They took me to Treliske, expecting me to get help, wanting me to get help. I don’t know the times, I sat in an empty room in Treliske, my top covered in blood, my arms a mess. The Samaritans trying to talk to me, a doctor asking me about me attacking my husband. 2 mental health docs asking the same then asking how I was. My reply of I don’t know was enough to satisfy them to discharge me, at 1am with no phone, no money, no nothing.
I asked for my husbands number as surely they could give me that? Instead I was shown to the exit told to wait in waiting room for the morning were I could catch a bus.
I wasn’t thinking straight so decided to walk home, 30 miles home!! I headed to the town center, walking past a closed pub a man came running out yelling at me, I panicked and ran, he ran after me, I ran faster and luckily he gave up and went back into the pub.
I walked a lot, main roads, I wanted a high bridge, I wanted sharp glass, I wanted not to get home. I didn’t know the time, nor did I care, I felt abandoned and pointless. Lorries and cars flew past me, I wondered if I stepped out in front of one of them, but I couldn’t do that to someone else, risking harming them in my own selfish time, and also there was no promise it would actually do anything, esp at the low speeds they were travelling.
Around 6am on the duel carriage way (around 9 miles from the hospital) a car pulled up beside me, a kind lady got out, said she refused to go any further until I got her in car and she took me the rest of the way home, she could see I was struggling to walk, she could see me shivering and wanted to help. Normally I would have refused, but there was something about her manner that made me feel safe. I wish I had taken her name, or contact details I wish I could say thank you. She didn’t know why I was there, I lied to ashamed too tell her the truth. I didn’t let her bring me to my house, I let her drop me on an estate that she thought was mine. I then managed to walk the rest of the way home.
I don’t need to go into the ins and outs from here of the hours after.
All I know is at this point, my self destruct button had been hit, I was going down hill, I didn’t know where to go from here, or what was going to happen, and damn I was scared.
As it stands now just 3 weeks on from this date, the button still sits on self destruct, my arms are now my focus, the marks running not deep enough to touch the pain but enough to calm me. Rum helps a lot too, I don’t rely on it, I can take it or leave it, but when I do drink it, it helps my mind block so much.
I just wish I knew what the trigger was that makes me snap when either sober or drunk.
This video…. On the evening of May 10th, when he wasn’t quite understanding me when I said I am fine, I sent him this, I think then he understood, by then it was too late and an hour later I was wanting it all to end, my trigger had been hit and all hell was let out
peacefullyerratic.com 