As a child you get told to tell the truth.
It’s something I try and teach my children every day, truth and respect, I have learnt to tell when they are lying, from this they have 2 chances to turn it round to the truth or discipline comes down hard, very rarely has it come to that. They know truth gets you further in life then anything. Don’t get me wrong, as you grow, my 9yr old knows the occasional slip on the truth doesn’t hurt, ie *shhh don’t tell daddy mummy gave you that cake…* Either way, when it comes down to it, just don’t lie.
This is something though I struggle with, not telling the truth but the actual act of opening up and speaking, I have a fear, a fear of rejection, feared I will be accused of lying, fearful of what may happen.
My earliest memory of this comes from a time I can remember as clear as it happened yesterday. I was going to Brownies, I wasn’t fully enjoying it, never fitted in, had no friends there, and just would rather have been home with my books. I was stood by the fridge, my back against the wall, 7 yrs old, as I dared utter the words “mummy I don’t really like brownies anymore”.
Happy I had told her, thinking maybe we could look at another activity, I smiled hoping for a smile back and some reassurance. Instead, my mother flew from her place by the sink, and went for me, realising bad move on my part, I dove to the floor to avoid her fists, as she screamed at me for lying and being ungrateful. Crawling under the table her feet following me as kicks landed on my back, I yelped out saying OK Ok I’m sorry, I’ll keep going. She stopped, started shouting at me, saying never lie to her again, how dare I do that she taught me better then that. I came out from under the table, no tears just regret as I grabbed my clothes and pulled on my brownie uniform and headed off, like it had never happened, it was never spoken of again.
It brings me to the present day. I have in the past been truthful, yet this has got me in trouble, accused of lying. So over time I have shut down refusing to speak, safer to keep quiet, no matter what the situation, to tell the truth I often feel shame, embarrassed and fearful. I have many a times said to people can I not just say what I think, but often I’m told no, don’t cause any hassles, this reinforces to me that it’s safer to keep quiet.
On recent events I have started to question whether any of my past is why I am like I am now, can one small incident like this one for example, cause a life long fear.
To afraid to speak the truth incase of volatile reactions, esp when the fear is enforced as you turn to adult life and without the violence, you get accused of lying despite telling the truth.
My mother was never a fully truthful person, she spoke what she needed to to get her own way and what she required, I have learnt over the last few years though that to her, her lies are true, true to her, people can see past what she says but for an easy life and knowing she will deny all, she’s left to carry on, she’s so set in her ways now this will never change, I guess a part of me is confused, how beating her child for telling the truth, or in her eyes a lie, is acceptable, whilst she goes and does what she doesn’t want others doing to her.
I will never understand her and in some ways I don’t ever want to.
Maybe the truth can only be the truth as you know it, whether others agree with you or not, but never doubt someone’s truth, you never know what brings them to that point.
peacefullyerratic.com 