For many people, their memories of their first day of school is one of the actual school, the day, the feelings, how parent's were. For me, it was my red shoesA little girl , 4yrs of age, waking in the morning, Seeing my clothes await me on my rocking horse,Yet I didn't care for those,… Continue reading Red Shoes
Tonight
Still feeling raw, still feeling numb, normally I wait to blog these, but whilst this feeling is still here in this moment, I will blog as I feel My brain works strange at times, today it played it's games, nothing felt right, A feeling inside I can't explain, unable to settle, I found myself pacing,… Continue reading Tonight
Not Worth Saving
3 words, just 3 simple words that suddenly hit home when writing a post on a forum, 3 words that flowed from my fingers before I knew what I was writing. Words that suddenly brought tears, understanding and a feeling of calm for a moment. I understand now, I understand A young toddler, stood watching… Continue reading Not Worth Saving
To the Kind Souls
On the flip side to yesterday's distressing time, I thought it was time I mentioned the kind people, the ones who do care, the one's who have gone above and beyond. For years I have been self employed, after a break due to my mental breakdown, In June I was in a position to restart… Continue reading To the Kind Souls
To the Lady in Sainsburys
You may never read this, but I will guess you won't as you clearly don't think of others.I went to our local Sainsbury's today, it's not easy for me to do this, Anxiety is high for me, just the mere thought of having to go. Fear of judgement from others, as I cannot wear a… Continue reading To the Lady in Sainsburys
I’m Not Afraid
I have recently been asked, why do I put this quote at the end of many of my posts I am not afraid of my pastI am not afraid of my futureI am not afraid of painI am not afraid of my pathI am not afraid of opening my soul I have no regrets and… Continue reading I’m Not Afraid
What is Life?
What is life, when life is nothing but an existence, When existence leads to nothing, but a stone with a name etched into it, What is life, when you become nothing but a memory, Slowly fading with time, a face to nothing more then words,A place that is nothing, just empty with, Nothing, What is… Continue reading What is Life?
Fuck Flashbacks
90% of flash backs so far have been in home, or in privacy, a place where I can hide, A place of safety, whether in my home or in my car, or in a place were no one sees meTonight my mind played games, tonight, in front of others, I broke,I write this embarrassed and… Continue reading Fuck Flashbacks
Protected: Am I really not enough?
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Miss you
A while back I started to blog my childhood, I touch now on a path that causes me tears, I have others but this is the strongest in emotions Saturday August 18th 2001 My father left this world, a day I will never forget, Tuesday August 18th 2020, I finally was able to say *hello*… Continue reading Miss you
Today wasn’t kind
Today wasn't kind, not in a bad way, but in a way of experience, Life is an experience, every day I learn to deal with whatever my mind and body throws at me, Today was no different, yet it landed me mentally and physically exhausted. A simple trip out with my husband and three of… Continue reading Today wasn’t kind
Walking along a pavement, the roads so known, yet so different, The streets like a mirage in a fog, I walk with confidence, I follow the sound of laughter, until I come upon a familiar door, leaning against it, I find myself in a garden, the door now open, I hear voices, when my mind… Continue reading
A Mask
A hand over my mouth and nose, Forcing my mouth shut, forcing me to swallow,A hand over my mouth and nose, My breath laboured, I couldn't swallow, the tears fell, I tried to kick out, but a small child against an adult I had no choice, Swallow or lose the chance to breathe once again,… Continue reading A Mask
What is Life?
I was once asked a question, of would I turn back time, they never said how far, they never gave a time point. It was a question that I feel is open ended with infinite possibilities.Turning back time, turning it back to my birth, turning the clock to off, Remove all chances of the life… Continue reading What is Life?
Room’s
Do you ever sit there and reflect on your day, do you recall the room you where in? Is it reality or is it a room of the past? I know this post will not be written as eloquently as I wish, but no longer do I care. Laying in bed, I wait for my… Continue reading Room’s
Do you ever sit there and just suddenly feel nothing, like nothing's real, you don't even feel like part of your surroundings? Often I find myself wondering if I am really here, and If I am, then why? Nothing feels right at that time, everything I do is going through the motions, Every sense in… Continue reading
The Figure in the Mirror
I have always been told yesterday is a memory, and too look only unto tomorrow, Yet what if the yesterday comes and pay's a visit with no warning, what happen's then? What are we supposed too do? I mean, yesterday I drove a path I walked physically a year ago,I assumed I would be fine,… Continue reading The Figure in the Mirror
Self Care
I have a lot tell me that I am doing well, I have many tell me that clearly medication and therapy etc is working. I have learnt to smile sweetly, and reply sure thing dude. When in reality I want to scream that it doesn't work that way. If only it was that simple, yet… Continue reading Self Care
Control Yourself
Emotion I have always struggled with, hugs came with pain, Verbal emotion resulted in a telling off,I have never fully had the chance to understand or trust emotion, always expecting another motive,Whilst my moods and tempers as I grew, never allowed to be their own, instead, teased and mocked,Expression not allowed without a negative reaction.… Continue reading Control Yourself
Clashing Worlds
2 worlds, my own love, and my husbands, both dream's, hope's and passion working along side either other, until the day came one of us had to make a choice. This path has watched me change and grow over the years, a path that scares me, as I never know were I am one moment… Continue reading Clashing Worlds
Lies Vs Truth
I have no set timeline, I wish I did, but my mind doesn't work that way, it flows as it pleases, I have too document as I can, I am sorry there is no true flow, Moving onI have always been taught to tell the truth, a beating would follow what she believed to be… Continue reading Lies Vs Truth
24 hours of time
The past 24 hours has opened a world, I didn't intend on visiting, It opened a past I had kept under lock and key, a world I fear. A memory of a time, I wished to blog about, but didn't know when. Every day, became the tomorrow, the tomorrow became another time,Every excuse was heard… Continue reading 24 hours of time
Fairy Tales.
Sitting listening to Enid Blyton, listening to words,Able to imagine a world away from my own,Able to separate my being, a emotion beyond my years.As his hand slipped lower, resting on my crotch, The words, *its warmer there* filling my ears,For some reason fear filling my soul.I allowed the hand closer to my body,I allowed… Continue reading Fairy Tales.
The first time
As a child, I loved stories being read to me, Enid Blyton, the secret Severn or, the famous five, These stories, I read as a child, from the age of 5, forward, The magic tree, I adored, a fairy tale, I could escape in, A world I loved. I recall my bedroom as a 6… Continue reading The first time
Sexual Abuse
This is a subject, I wish to speak of but I hold back on, Sexual abuse is wrong on every level, male, female, sexual abuse is one that should not exist, but sadly it does. It brings with it, shame, pain, self loathing, regret, questions, and fear.Sexual abuse, is a subject that no one feels… Continue reading Sexual Abuse
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