My fingers tracing my scars,
from the red harsh rough tops of my arms,
To the small soft white lines on the lower,
Feeling every little bump, every little line a reminder,
A reminder of turmoil, a reminder of pain,
As I recall the flow of blood,
The cool liquid falling slowly, no fear,
A reminder of relief, as I breathed a breath so deep,
The hairs on my arms standing up, a chill running through my body,
Emotions once starting to bind, now starting to fray again,
Like the ends of a rope, a rope that can hold a noose…
I feel a shudder, as my body betrays my own control,
I close my eyes, take a second deep breath,
I sit deeper into my chair, I close my eyes,
I embrace the darkness, the warmth embracing me,
I breathe out, I feel my body loosen,
Like I am falling, I allow the sensation to wrap around me,
Darkness surrounding, falling with no end to land within,
I have no idea what to think or feel,
My mind a blank in the moment, emotions meaning nothing,
What is any more, what is real, what is right, what is the forward path,
As every turn turns out to be the wrong move,
I don’t want to feel emotions,
I don’t want to think of tomorrow. or yesterday,
I want to be safe, I want to just feel safe,
My fingers run down my arm to my tattoo,
Opening my eyes, tracing the outline with my fingers softly,

*I’m not afraid*

What was I not afraid of? Because whatever it was,
It’s not as frighting as the numbness running through my soul
Yet its safer then allowing myself to feel, as its always wrong,
So very very wrong, no matter which way I turn.