Mothers Day

I debate over and over, as yet again I am told I am too negative here, and I should be positive, or I get the reminder that it’s my fault that I am in the place I am, so in my mind why should I write about issues that only I have caused,
I mention the latter as today has hit me hard, yet a comment *Of well you never wanted to bother* hit me in a way that might as well been a verbal punch

Maybe I never bothered, as I knew no one else would bother, so I came to the point of, if I set myself up for nothing, then I can’t be upset or disappointed. Yet that has backfired, as if I got even a card, I became embarrassed, embarrassed by what I couldn’t tell you. My own existence? I don’t know,

It’s true though, that mothers day, until today, never bothered me. Why would it,
Each day, up until June 20th 2022, I woke every morning, knowing at some point I would get warm arms around me, despite the difficulties going on, there would be something to remind me, OK this is hard, but we are getting through,
I would hear the whispers of I love you, able to speak it back, I would hear and feel wanted and needed, even if I struggled emotionally,
I saw their faces, I heard their voices, I knew that no matter what, we were together and we would work through it.
To the point it was getting better, small moments, but a huge leap in the times we were in.

Today, my first mothers day without those warm arms, instead left alone to deal with my own mind (though that is mostly daily, today was harder)
Knowing those little voices were uttering words to another, knowing another would be getting those smiles, hearing the laughter,
knowing yesterday they spent with grandparents, a good thing, but hard for me, as my first born, his first mothers day stolen from me by my own mother, a reminder that grandparents come first. Myself as a mother, a parent, unimportant.

Today, alone with my own thoughts, silence within silence, even now sat alone, as others have their own thing’s to do, and understandable, as who wants to sit in someone else’s misery when one’s life is progressing along, distractions and hope.

Mothers day never used to bother me, until today, a reminder as I open the internet, see social media, see emails, walking into the supermarket, constant reminders, that I am no longer a mother, I am no longer someone with mini humans

I am nothing, i am worthless, this is not self pity, this is not a want for empathy, I want neither, I deserve neither. I know I am so angry at myself, I wanted this to be a normal day, as it always has been, yet I realize, I was only able too allow that to happen, as I felt loved and needed,
I no longer feel that
I don’t need nor want over commercialized crap, I don’t want empty platitudes, or words that only come as they feel they should or have to be said, I want and needed confirmation that my existence isn’t such a blight.

Instead, I envy those with family, I feel for those without for the first time, and then I have this,

This, this broke me, a niece, yet I have never felt able to call myself an aunt, my own doing, if I can’t parent, then how the hell can I be something else?!
I have never felt able to feel part of, yet someone I have always loved without question, my heart broke,
simple words, just simple words and a reminder…. I couldn’t and didn’t reply,