Abandoned

I have sat with this open over and over, I type then I stop, I want to get out of head this memory, twisted, distorted, write it out, file it away, dealt with and done with, I have done this over and over, this is why i have this blog, yet why is this one so hard, I simply do not understand, why this is such a struggle, a clarity of reasoning in my mind, a explanation to a time I struggle with, over and over repeating itself through out the years, so now, when the time has come to finally acknowledge the one thing, it is something I am finding so hard.
I wonder to myself is the issue because everyone has told me what my traumas are, so anything else, it simply cannot be? For whenever I have tried to use my voice I have been unable, told I am wrong, they know best, yet how can they know my mind, when I am only just starting to learn it myself/

I wish I could start this in order, from the first moment to the last, but my mind will not allow that process, instead it like’s to drag me to whatever hell it feels like, when it feels like, rhyme or reason do not exist.

30th October 2003, I was forced to move from all I knew, I was willing to do this, thought it meant a better future,
thrown into the unknown, a little flat in a unit with 5 others,
I can do this, there will be people around, it’s not that scary, I cannot be the only one being uprooted from everything to nothing?
24 hours later, I find myself alone, all support gone, as the weekend kicked in, I had my child, but I was lost, didn’t understand anything,
It started my downfall, and a week later, It was just me, myself alone, yet not.
As I was dropped back to the flat in the evening, my son no longer with me, as I was deemed incapable,
I opened the main front door, the sound of the car behind me driving away,
I walked the corridor, the office empty of all life, support workers having gone home,
I walked the stairs heard laughter and talking in the hall above me,
Opening the other door, looking down, suddenly silence, doors shutting, and I am left in the dark,
Reaching for my front door, my heart sinking further, I head into the rooms that I had to call home,
I sit on a chair, mobile phones like we know them, didn’t exist, all I had was silence, and my own mind,
I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t feel, I was numb, and I was alone, so very alone,
A moment were my life had been ripped out from under me, yet I was alone,
I could feel myself breaking, I could feel my mind torturing me,
I wanted to talk, needed away from these four walls,
It was late though, 11pm late, it didn’t stop me,
As I slammed out of the building, I walked, and walked,

Lights in homes, warmth and comfort so close yet so far,
As the cold gripped my body, I bit down, held myself tight, and walked,
Cars flying past, people, life, surrounding me, yet I wasn’t a part of it,
I could feel bitter cold tears slowly falling, the wind catching my breath,
As I found myself walking along clifftop paths, so dark, so silent, bar the waves far below,
I walked until I found country lanes, I had no idea where I was,
I needed to be around people, this loneliness at this time of crisis doing nothing but tearing through my veins,
My pure existence meant nothing to no one, not even my own self.

Finally a car pulls beside me, asks me what I am doing in the middle of the road, am I safe,
I look over see a police car, I shrug and go to carry on walking, but I am stopped
Forced to go to a police station whilst they called someone to take me home…
Who could they call? I had no one, So I sat and waited, and waited,
Finally an emergency number for the support flat I was in was found,
A worker came out. I dare get my hopes up, maybe someone I can talk to,
I was selfish you see, didn’t care if it was 330am, I wanted people to talk too,

I find myself in her car, back at my flat, stern words aimed at me, then the door shut,
And I was alone once again….. it was then I crumbled, It was then I screamed, frustrated,
Angry, confused and lost, I pummeled into a pillow,
Until a voice comes through the walls, *keep the noise down ya selfish cow*

I was alone, a time in crisis, and I was alone, abandoned, left,
No one and nothing left…..