I write this but I am shaking as my mind is still in a strange place, not a panic attack, not an anxiety, in fact I don’t know what this is, cold, feeling sick, the tears wont stop falling, as my mind took me to a spilt moment in time, no reason, just its pure cruelty reminding me i don’t deserve this, then suddenly it just started rolling this all out to me, I asked my husband to get the chromebook to enable me to try and make sense of this, as words verbally are a struggle right now, they are a struggle to write, there will be no flow as Im fighting my mind too
I don’t even know if this will make any sense, I just need to get this down
Unhealed trauma, something I hear a lot of in relation to CPTSD but shook off, this isn’t me, I have dealt with my shit,
Fear of abandonment, something I read a lot of in relation of EUPD, Nah that’s not me, No ones ever left me like that,
Tonight, my mind has taken me to a moment, a time I didn’t want to remember, then it kept rolling, and I realised, for me, the above are linked, they are part of my mental well being, but I just never realised, and now I do, I am so fucking confused.
I realise fear of abandonment goes a lot further then just the worry of someone walking out the door and not coming back, but it can be deeper routed,
I realise that Unhealed trauma, can come from a moment that you never actually realised was trauma, you assumed because it’s something you just learnt to deal with, that it was normal, same trauma, different situation each time… repeated over and over through out the years.
Laying in bed this evening, ready to settle down, my husband saying good night, I suddenly felt cold, a voice whisper from within, you don’t deserve this…. I pull back, a rush of emotions runs through my veins, within seconds I was else were, my mind taking me back to a moment not so long ago, a moment, I assumed was normal, but as the next few moments go by, as my mind repeats similar moments, No its not normal.
Unhealed trauma and abandonment.
A door knocking, people, so many people, then nothing, no one, I sit on my bed, listening to the silence, I pick up my phone, yet there is no one, tears flowing, I am lost, yet there is no one there, I am alone, so very alone, this is my life now, days’ of silence, no other voice, no warmth surrounding, just nothing but empty rooms,
Warm hands holding mine, slowly fading, pulling away, cold wraps around my fingers, I find my mind fading to another time, in a cold room, a silent scream erupting from deep within my soul, as I find myself alone in a room, my world torn from beneath my feet, I fall to the floor, as a panic attack takes over everything within me, silence, so much silence, not wanted, a threat, I am worthless in this time, as my memory fades back further, just a couple of years earlier, a time when I was lost and confused, yet no one was there, no voice of comfort, no warmth, just cold empty rooms,
Suddenly I find myself back even further, 1994, the phone ringing, I pick it up, I was in my bedroom, the house empty, a voice informing me my nan had passed, the day before my birthday, a short call, placing down the phone, I sort comfort by going back to bed, it was 8am, there was no one there, my mind goes dark, struggling to catch my breath, I find my hand on a different telephone, listening to the voice on the end informing me my father had passed away, empty, just empty……. Standing in a small bedsit, alone, I hear voices outside in other rooms, but I wasn’t welcome there, they didn’t like me, I had to deal with this, I lost myself in music, before walking, as hours prior my son had been removed from my care, before I was left alone, I walked and walked, my mind walked me forward 18 months forward, I shut a car door, as I waved goodbye to my second born, before heading back into an empty cold room, I left the room, I ran down the corridor, I banged a door, a voice replied, what do you want, I said they took him, and came the harsh reply, serves you right,
I didn’t understand, I just wanted comfort, reassurance, anything, yet I had to close my door to the world, bury myself into my bed, scream silent tears into a pillow,
Blackness, my husbands voice coming through, I try to catch my breath , whilst my mind started to take me to another place, I needed to force that one out, In two three, and breathe, out two three, breathe, remember to breathe, I hear this over and over, I try, I am so damned trying, yet my mind wants to remind me of times, times I assumed were normal,
Yet I know now were not, moments of trauma, were I was left abandoned, with no one, moment that move to this present time, when support is needed yet, I am ignored once again,
How can one ever move on from trauma, when it just keeps repeating itself over and over? abandoned in times of great need, left on your own when your world has just been ripped out from under you,
Yet I am to blame for how I am,I am to blame for my reactions, my EUPD, It is no excuse but it is a reason, yet the reasons, I know now where just a small part of it lies,
I don’t know what to think, but by hell I am scared of my own mind, where it will take me next, why now?
I just wanted comfort, instead I have just been punished once again, I don’t get it?
Is my breath on this earth really that toxic?
If so, I am sorry,
*whispering I am not afraid, my mantra to help me through, yet I don’t know any more, what do I do with this, this above wake up call? I truely no longer know whats for the best, I just want to sleep, but fear that my mind will still force through this, I am struggling, I hate this, and I hate to admit this but i do have unhealed trauma. And I have no idea where to even begin with this.
peacefullyerratic.com 