Victim or Survivor

I see often that as someone in my shoes, (I hate that term, it has no logic, but Ill go with it here, just to make sense in a place were sense really doesn’t matter.
It is said I am a survivor, once a victim, so is it strange that I see myself as neither? When one knows no different. Nor when I have not seen myself as a survivor, as a survivor is someone who has beaten all the odds to still be standing strong today.
Yet being strong is something that no one should have forced upon them, I wish to not be strong, I wish to be normal, I wish not to be seen as a survivor, as I have not survived, I breathe every day, I wake every day, yet I am not a survivor.
A survivor is someone who is strong, I am not strong, nor do I wish to be,

A victim, someone who has gone through times that have left an injury or similar, I have nothing but scars on my arm, often unseen bruises on my legs, (unseen as they no longer bruise) caused by my own hand out of my own selfishness.

I am neither, yet I am told of recent, that I am both, and that I am strong, I do not understand this concept, it is of one that makes no sense to me.
I look back at my past, I see a young baby, whom by her first birthday clearly emotionally neglected, among other thing’s, to the point as time goes on, her brain develops differently, a mind that grows not knowing anything more then what is upon her, never seeing another life any where else, assuming this is how everyone lives, so how can that make one a victim? A lifetime of this, I am not a survivor, a survivor is someone who lives with as one of who has got over something in their life that impacted them, I was not impacted, as I only ever had this?

I do not understand this concept, a victim and a survivor, they have a start and an end, they have a moment were they say this happened, this stopped, they have a situation or a person to blame.
I only have my birth, the blame can lay simply on my pure existence.
That alone is the problem, therefore I am the problem, not a victim or survivor.

I do not understand this concept of sitting and speaking of a past, to unravel the issues that have caused your brain to be working the way it is today. To learn how to deal with emotions, to be safe in handling times that cause thing’s to be deemed difficult.

What is the point when emotions, I see now, are pointless? I’d rather stay numb, and carry on as I am, What point is change and seeing myself as a victim before becoming a survivor, at what time does one come from one point and move to the next, do you ever become normal?
I loathe labels, always have in any form, accepting a EUPD and CPTSD one was bad enough, and took me 6 months of EUPD, even now it doesn’t sit right, I am who I am, a person who doesn’t and can’t change, maybe I am just to set in my ways
As recently accused, a leopard cannot change their spots, inked into their skin so deep, no matter how many layers you peel away, it will always be there.
If she can live in pure denial of a situation, then surely I can live in this pit of mine that I find comfort in

If I was never wanted, then I am not a survivor , nor a victim, I am a mistake that was not made for this world, maybe that’s why I am like I am, why my life is how it was, and how it is.
I am stealing air I was never meant to use, I am stealing footprints I was never meant to take, I was punished for simply being, I am continuing to be punished, and it will continue until I am no longer.

I wasn’t wanted, here is the proof, there is no warmth nor care, would have taken me? Of course, wouldn’t that have been better? So no I am not a victim or survivor, I simply should never have been