it’s 2.27am. I have sat for the last hour with this window open, my mind flittering between thing’s I wish to get off my mind, as that’s what this place really, a place I can put things down then walk away from, but nothing feels right, I just feel like I am being constantly negative, worried it will be seen as a person who is just constantly miserable, pointless being around, I don’t know.

I guess confirmation comes through, when I simply feel I cannot do right for doing wrong.
I am accused by professionals of not owning up to my own issues, yet what has this blog been since 2018,
I am accused of denying my mental health issues, yet I speak openly esp more so, once I learned more about this world, for how does one speak out when you simply cannot understand yourself.
I apologize for mistakes I made in a business, yet it’s thrown back, laughed in my face, then I am accused of not accepting my mistakes, so what is an apology for, if not to own up to where one went wrong as a beginning point of this step?

I move forward in the hope of being better, yet mistakes from 4 yrs ago are thrown publicly around, because apparently I cannot change,
Yet, surely acknowledgment would be a start in that change and becoming a better person, seeing where you went wrong and setting out to improve.
Or were my improvements taking too long, too late? Did they expect over nigh perfection, yet I only knew where I went wrong when thing’s turned so bad, I was no longer able to function in a normal way. Upon which point it seemed joy was taking in mocking me and accusing me of lying.
It confuses me, I do not ask for affirmation of what I write, nor do I ask acknowledgment, I just ask that this is part of my journey in taking the past, whichever part of it, and accepting it, dealing with it, understanding it. (though some parts will never be understood) , I ask to be allowed this time,

When you hit rock bottom, people stand with you, hold you back up, though only for a short while,
When you heal, People stand with you, celebrate, praise you, tell you well done,

The part in between, judgment, and loathing
Or accusations of faking your pain, your scars,
Or simply pure ignorance and refusal to acknowledge what you go through,

If you fail and you leave this hell, people wish they had been there, feel sorry for themselves, not for the soul they once mocked and ignored

Its a mind mess of confusion, No clarity, and all I am trying to do is find my feet, find who I truly am, as I feel I have never found me, instead, I just question my own existence, when I feel unable to move forward, because my past just drags me down constantly, no matter which way I turn or what path I take.

I have realized I have never been allowed, and I am starting to question whether I will ever be