Christmas, for the first time a few years ago, I finally felt able to get excited, and bring the magic into the lives of my children, even more then I had already attempted, we had the biggest tree we could fit, the most decorations, we made our own traditions, we made our own little family Christmas, it was amazing. Every year, the little voices of my children, would remind us adults, what we needed to do to make that day and time leading to it special.
This year, that has all falling apart, due to my own selfishness, Christmas didn’t bring magic and light this year, instead it brought us a time of heart ache and pain.
I feel bad for my husband, dragging him to this hell, but we couldn’t and wouldn’t just sit in this house alone.
My brother busy with his own life and family, my husband’s family no longer warm towards myself, as we become what feels to be an after thought, We wondered what we should do instead.
We didn’t want Christmas, but the day simply can’t be ignored, as the world shuts itself away, as family’s pull towards there own magical day’s.
So we decided to check into the local premier inn, book a meal and try and forget the world and what the day w
Instead of waking up to Merry Christmas, empty words with no meaning, we woke and walked to the beaches, to see the people of our town, out for their swim, to watch the world go about celebrating it’s own way. Stopping to say hello to strangers, fussing the dog’s that sniffed at ankles. We wrapped up warm and made our own day.
No it wasn’t magical, it wasn’t special, it was a day we didn’t want, a day we have never had, and a day I hope we never have again, yet it was our own first ever grown up Christmas.
I only document this here now, as I pray, that I can look back at this in a years time, at that time, with my little humans back beside me, causing mayhem and noise.
I see so many on social media, complaining about mess, broken decorations, destroyed ear drums at 4am as children wake excited, as exhausted parents wanted the day to end so they could enjoy their own time.
Well I am sorry, but your own time sucks when these little ones are still small. You have many years ahead of you alone, as they grow into their own families, Snuggle them that darned bit tighter, make a mess with them, screw everything else.
Because that magic isn’t forever,
My small memories of yesterday, bring me nothing but hatred towards myself, a reminder I don’t deserve this, but I needed too allow my husband his own time, and a way to distract from what has gone on.
As we sat for a meal at a small restaurant, as we walked the beach, watched crap TV, and so on, some may say bliss, I say for what we could do in such a time, it was OK, take away the Christmas element and it would be beautiful.
This isn’t a special post, and maybe soon Ill just lock it down for my own memory to look back upon, but for now, I don’t know , I simply don’t know any more.
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