As the dates and days close in, my mind is in a mess once again, not bad or worrying, I am not at risk this time, its more of confusion and frustration. The last 2 or so day’s, alone with my thoughts, over thinking, over assuming, or am I?
I pull apart as much as I can to make sense of it, and I find myself in the middle of a right muddle, a muddle that in reality, would be easy to deal with, but it’s not.
3 situations,
My children, My Mental Health, and My Husband.
3 very different situations, if all stood alone, if all were treated as one each,
3 problems, each dealt with in their own way, their own needs. In which case, it would be a situation, that would be over come easier then anything else.
But I don’t have that luxury, what I have is them blended into one, and it’s created more problems then needed.
As each situation mixes with another, mis-truths are spoken, communication breaks down,
instead words are written on paper, mis read, mis heard, mis communicated,
Telephone calls and other conversations turn into Chinese whispers,
Creating a world that feels impossible to escape from without great loss somewhere along the way.
None seem to have a start or a middle, one has a end looming, one is in the midst of ending, and the last is, well, I don’t know. Each situation has effected another, yet none have been a cause or the start of one. I don’t even know where to begin to start sorting this, as it’s all out of my hands.
I do truely believe though, that if in 2019, someone had asked me what caused my mental health to spiral, we may not be in this place now, instead people made assumptions, and as a result I locked down, my trust lost. What was the point of speaking out if they were not going to listen. My first mistake, maybe I should have shouted, but hindsight is all I have.
I don’t know the point of this, I guess, I am as per normal, trying to find a way to make sense of all of this, but I don’t think there is much hope any more
I can start to try and unravel some of this, but for most part its currently too late, and for that I will never forgive myself.
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