writing this straight from a panic attack/flash back, I normally wait, but i have nothing to distract me, so why not let out whats inside whilst its still raw? It may take me a while my typing is awful, my hands won’t stop shaking.
According to so many, I should be enjoying and living my life to the fullest now,
My messages have dried up as people assume, everything is good,
Or if I have a bad day, best leave me be….
I don’t have the courage or the desire to correct people,
I wish no longer to reach out, as why fill their inboxes with nothing but pointless words,
People refuse to see reality, or are just too naive to a reality they could never see themselves in
Walking through my front door, I was hit with a wall of memories,
A cold and empty home, no longer warm and welcoming,
As I felt my body cave, I could feel the pounding of my heart,
Beating so fast, emotions starting washing over,
Was this a flashback or a panic attack,
Or both entwined into one,
As I walked the stairs inside these four walls,
No longer a home, just a box with things inside,
Material thing’s that no longer hold importance,
Bar the small blankets on a bed, ones once held by small arms,
Blankets that will be waiting many months or years to be held again by their owners,
Their smells still linger, I placed them back on the bed,
As I walked to another room, up the next flight of pointless stairs,
Torturing myself as I could hear the echos of laughter,
All the photos of happy memories surrounding me,
I run back to my bedroom, the only room I feel half OK in,
With nothing silencing the sound, falling to the floor, hands covering my ears,
I beg it to stop, as the tears flow, my whole body shaking,
Defying every part of me as I scream internally for it to stop,
This home so empty, the walls filled with photos,
Rooms that should be filled with warmth and life,
Even my own bed now, too big for one body,
I beg you, to try and imagine, living a life full,
In a home with so many rooms, so filled with sound and joy,
To have that ripped out from under you, then your are just left,
Alone, So alone,
The only sound the clocks ticking, whilst your mind plays tricks on you,
The door no longer knocking, footsteps no longer running through rooms,
Time standing still, as the children grow away from everything they had,
My body curls over, my hands over my ears, The tears non stop,
I struggle to catch my breath, I tell myself, *just breath*
The mantra they claim to use, things to hear/see/touch/taste/smell
No longer working, though for me, did it ever?
All I see are memories, the one’s that bring me here,
All I hear is silence, but the echoes in my mind,
All I can taste is the tears, as they fall constantly,
All I can smell is nothing, just nothing, my nose too blocked,
I force myself to my feet, go to my hifi,,
Focus just focus, breathe, just breathe,
Turning on the hifi, hands shaking,
I lay down in my bed, my mind filled with images,
Though my ears finally being filled with music, silencing the sound within,
Closing my eyes, I lose the battle, I don’t know what to do,
No distractions, just emptiness, nothing, so alone,
I no longer drink, I no longer have a blade,
I no longer know how to deal with this,
Do I have to sit it out?
Over an hour in and this is a bitch,
My body is exhausted, my mind drained, my muscles ache,
I hate this
peacefullyerratic.com 