I keep getting told I need to take responsibility for my actions, and that I must never scapegoat (I still loathe that word) Yet everything has a beginning, and as the puzzle of my past falls into place, I realize, you are to blame, I am by default a result of your failure to protect me. I am who I am, because you decided in your own twisted way, that I was OK.
As I read through pages of paperwork, I am struggle to understand how this was though. But the past is the past, all I can do is sit and try to repair what is left of myself, the person who stands here today, frustrated at a system that has torn my world from my feet many a time, and then wondered why I fall, before then blaming me for every single reaction to the actions set before me.
I was born in the year 1981, by the time my first birthday arrived, I was already at risk
Yet you said it was OK?
By the time my 2nd birthday came around, you protected my brother and sister,
Yet you said I was OK?
By my 8th Birthday, you became aware of unsuitable situations I was placed in,
Yet you ignored it?
By my 11th Birthday, you reopened the case, the issues grew year by year,
Yet you trusted a voice that had no strength, a voice that never understood right from wrong,
My voice, a voice that knew nothing, but what was around her,
How could she know the world she was in was bad, when those paid to protect her, ignored her diffculites,
Don’t say you tried, because if you tried, why was I left to suffer every single day?
As I grew, the issues grew with me, the pain intensified, mentally, physically,
Whilst emotionally I shut down and withdrew,
I shrugged off help, as I didn’t believe help was helpful, if it was, why was it not offered sooner,
In the way of removing a young child from a unsafe situation,
You failed me then, you fail me now, you have failed my children, you have failed my family
Am I scapegoating?
No,
are my reactions and actions a result of your choices,
Yes,
Am I to blame for my reactions,
Yes,
Am I to blame for my actions,
Yes,
But those two thing’s only happened due to your choices all those years ago,
My mother unfit to parent, beatings daily,
For her friend’s, I was nothing but a toy,
A toy to be used as they please, no questions asked,
Professionals knew, yet I was left?
This is a question I have never understood,
My mother the worst of all kind, cruel, harsh, uncaring,
Narcissistic, Yet fit to parent an innocent broken child
Fast Forward to 2022,
My world ripped out from beneath my feet,
The very system that failed to protect me,
Stating facts that mean I am worse then my own mother,
Stating I am deserving of having my world torn from beneath me,
I am nothing but a blight on their shoe, Not worthy of anything but being left with nothing
If you had protected me as a child, like your system should have,
I would not be in this place now,
I would not have cptsd, eupd, nor would I have a past full of pain.
You failed me then, You are failing my family now
I KNOW NOW, THIS IS NOT MY FAULT,
You destroyed my fire once before, stamped it into ashes and dirt,
But this is me today, The one you have not met yet,
a new me, a me, even I am still discovering,
A new fire burning, stronger then ever before,
You hide behind the secrecy of the courts,
but you have already taken everything I held dear,
You continue to try and destroy it further,
What more do I have to lose, when you have stolen it all already,
But I will no longer fall, I will no longer burn out,
As I know now, this is not my fault,
peacefullyerratic.com 