I posted the following on my social media the other day, I bring it here, as I reflect on the past few weeks, and laugh to myself, that professionals are useless yet again!
5 weeks ago, my husband was removed from my home, I am not allowed to speak or see him, I have been left to my own devices since, which really isn’t the best of thing’s to do…..
18 Reasons why this twat shouldn’t be left unattended…
In the 25ish days since my husband hasn’t been here…
✔ Left the backdoor open 3580 times
✔ Left a gas hob on over night
✔ Set fire to a saucepan
✔ burnt myself when attempting too cook
(See a theme here? I now only eat micro meals 😂)
✔ brought a scrap heap
✔ left my wallet at home when shopping locally
✔ left my bank card in a random location when shopping away from here
✔managed to rehome killer rabbit
✔ binged watched Netflix… I hate TV!
✔ accidentally flashed an amazon guy
✔Literally dove under a blanket and hidden when the door knocks, Like they can freaking see me!
✔ woke up one day and decided I no longer like my clothes, all charity shop shit, threw it out and brought a new wardrobe!
Whilst realizing I am no longer a 18/20 but now a 16!! now to get to 14!
✔ Spent an hour re~piercing my ears after 3.5 yrs… fuck that hurt
✔Brought a new (ish!) hand bag AND new shoes, I Never do that!
✔ decided to cut my own hair
✔ kept a diary on my own mental health… that’s a big step for me but …. oh dear!
✔ allowing my Mercy to shine at times, damn she’s awesome, yep that one i mentioned here recently, she’s out and about occasionally,
When my husband was removed, I was told *new life* now, be happy get on with it.
Everything I had known, everything I had wanted, everything I knew had just been ripped out from under me, taken, stolen, removed over the prior months, and I was expected to be happy? I was expected to be fine?
I was confused, as I struggled, for the first 12 days, days turning into night, time meant nothing, yet forced to carry on as normal, carry on with assessments, carry on speaking to professionals, I didn’t understand, what was I supposed to be doing? How was I supposed to be enjoying this,
Day’s of loneliness, seeing no one, speaking to no one,
Unable to leave the home, unable to eat, struggling to function on a basic level,
Just my own thoughts, as I tried to work out who I was, what did I want, where did I want to go from here,
I sit now reading the one final report, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,
Those 12 sweet short day’s, used against me now, told I am not coping,
Of course bloody not, but you told me I had too? Why so surprised,
It states though, this is who I am all the time?
Yet they don’t see me sat here now, nearly 5 weeks later,
The above breakdown of learning independence, my new normal, one that fits and suits me,
As I laugh, as I realize, professional’s have unrealistic expectations,
Allowing no one time to adjust to a new situation,
Or
Accused of being hostile by another, yet she had only met me in a brief moment of time,
A time of great distress where I was purely focused on my breathing, Greetings where not my thing,
Yet this is who I am all the time? One short moment in time, and this is who I am? I am hostile to a system that refuses to see beyond box ticking and 75% of false paperwork,
Professionals wonder why I have no trust, how can I trust when they don’t allow time.
In these last 5 weeks, I have gone from a mere shadow hiding from the world, to someone who knows, that in reality she doesn’t give a shit. I care for my family, that is all.
I have discovered self care, I have discovered self respect,
I have discovered that crying is OK, I have learnt that saying No is safe,
I can open my front door and no big scary monster is going to chase me back inside telling me the world is laughing at me,
I have limits, there is no over night, there are thing’s I will never accept nor do I wish too, I have boundaries, I have put some in place, others need work,
The world I live in now is a new and strange place, one I am navigating alone, totally alone, its frightening, but I am OK,
As life will hopefully change again in the next few weeks, as my husband and I open up to working together to be in a better place, as a couple, as parents, as people,
Time all it takes is time, why is this not something that I have been allowed?
Maybe this is disjointed ramblings with no point or reason, but for me, its progress! its so much damned progress, but in the eyes of the professionals, its potentially too late
peacefullyerratic.com 