I have written a post, I wish I could share, but it will sit in drafts for the moment, as I am too scared, I have destroyed thing’s enough, but I want to speak here, briefly, I want you to know that thing’s since that June 28th day, have been a mind fuck,
I understand it’s hard for you too, but I have stayed strong for you, I have let you cry, I have let you vent, I have let you process this, I wanted to allow you to have time to grieve and accept life is different now, in a way no one should have too. I am sorry you have gone through this.

At the same time I have pulled everything back, desperately tried to hold on out side, whilst inside, I have been burning up, Not because of you, but because of the emotions inside, whats been going on in my own head.
Trying to understand so much, yet nothing making sense.

I have struggled, sadly its come out via anger and frustration. Its come out in way’s Id would rather it hadn’t, but I tried to stay strong, but I am breaking apart inside. Did you notice that I picked up on my own emotions, apologizing when I did snap? Or like others have you continued to only focus on my negative. Something I have not been able to do before.

The post I have written goes deep, but I am scared, I know you have chosen to forget so much, blinkered or blinded I don’t know. For me though, my life isn’t that simple, my mind doesn’t work that way. It holds onto moments that brought pain in any form, and it replays them over and over, until I am able to process them, make sense of them, and move on from them.

They say I can move on without you, so why do I feel like a limb has been ripped from my body?
Why do I feel such deep self loathing for what I have done to you,
Yet some people know everything, have followed my struggles over the years, they say thing’s I have closed off from, preferring to listen to my inner voice, no matter how wrong that is.

I sit and fear for my tomorrow, I sit and fear for what I have done, I sit and regret every fucking move over the past few months, In June I should have been stronger for you, I should have pushed harder for you to keep the children, maybe then this would have been over sooner.

I am sorry, I wish I could brave publishing the post I have to explain fully, but right now I simply cannot, I am sorry for letting you down
I am sorry for not being what you needed me to be