I have held back so fucking much, I have allowed you to judge me, I have allowed you to question me, yet not hear my answers, I have allowed you to walk into my life I have allowed you to assume a situation beyond my control, I have allowed you to sit and hear everyone else, but never my voice.
I have made mistakes, this I shall never deny, My mindset no one is perfect, we all have mistakes, I am just sorry that mine become impossible in the eyes of a professional system.
You judge me, yet you don’t know me, you assume my situation on the story of what others tell you, you assume who I am, from negative texts over the past few years, as the person who communicates with you, I am then ignored. I guess second hand information is more reliable then one that is from the person whom you mention.
I am me, I am me, I have a voice, I know you would rather not hear it, I know you would rather listen to others, and ignore me, thinking I am using everything as a scapegoat, because I cannot have any reason for what I do,
Others can, but I can’t, as I am so fucked up.
My children are my world, My children are a future unknown to anyone, We simply cannot decide for them what their tomorrow brings,
We can only guide them on promises of a better day, a hope that not many can reach for.
You can sit there and *access* me as much as you wish, but the reality is one of which you will twist to your own choices, one’s that you deem suitable for your own agenda.
The truth hidden, as you will prefer no wrong doing to your own paperwork. I accept you fear not to acknowledge any acceptance of something you deem out of your control, instead preferring to refer to a maybe, a what if, or oh wow they did this, they change, but lets focus on what was and not notice their move forward
You can sit and punish me now, for a mistake I made in 2004, 18yrs later, yet what difference does that make? Do you not see the changes that I have made. You openly said on the phone call that you do not recall what you said in the paper work? HOW DARE YOU accuse me of something, then claim to forget what it is you punish me for.
I adore my children more then you could ever imagine, I want the very best for them, I need them to have a future I never had, and whether I am part of that, is another story, I guess now it’s down to your fiction and my defense onto whether I will ever be good enough in your eyes.
Given you write your reports via notes that I have no say in, notes you write from accounts you have seen with no actual footwork into the authenticity of the said wording, I ask that you rethink your world.
Yes some parents, people, will deny any wrong doing, many will sit and say they did nothing wrong, for those I understand a concern, I understand a red flag raised, and issues made, denials and children left in potential danger.
Yet I am not that person, I will sit and say, I fucked up, I am sorry, How can I make this better
But it appears someone’s acceptance of a problem is beyond you, thrown, you don’t understand how to respond, so you throw up more brick walls.
I just ask you this. Stand in my shoes.
Stand and look back at my path
then say to me I am a bad parent
Stand and say I can do this alone
Stand and say this is OK
Stand and say you have got this…
…. Whilst ripping away your world underneath you,
Leaving you with nothing, yet I have every thing!?
Stand there and say this is OK, whilst admitting you fucked up
As a professional, I ask you to show for once, compassion and understanding,
That whilst this is about the child’s needs, sometimes, just sometimes,
To enable the parent to be the parent you need, that parent’s needs have to be listened too.
Put the children first, but remember the parent has feelings too
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