I sit and reflect, once again, and I note I have been pretty selfish.
When our daughter was born in 2009, right up until I would say my breakdown in April 2019, I would like to sit and say, there were no concerns over our parenting, we struggled but in a normal sense. We were on a *normal* line of parenting, doing OK, the children were well grounded, occasionally tempers, nothing I would say that would or should raise alarm bells. Even when our oldest son started to show signs of behaviors that some would say were not in the normal range of acceptable, we tried to seek help. We were kind of listened too, but I don’t feel we were ever taken seriously. Almost like professionals were waiting for something to happen, an event outside of the lines of normal, for them to blame his behaviors on. That event finally came, in the shape of my breakdown.
Until that point, I wont sit and say everything was perfect, but I can say we were content, doing OK. Maybe we were more friends then parents, but the dynamic worked for us.
We moved a lot, maybe that was unsettling, but we never felt at home, or the house wasn’t right for us. We wanted to feel at home, but we made it a home for the mini humans in the times we had in the places we went.
A lot of my issues with my parenting, now, revolve around emotional regulation (or as professionals like to call it… neglect!)
I don’t see how it can be full on neglect when hugs and warmth is ready for them at soon as they request, I would like to believe we are supportive in their growth, allowing them to become the individuals they are. Yes we lacked maybe on certain thing’s, but it is in hindsight I can see where, how and why. Yet I do not believe it was at that time, enough to warrant anything serious
Fast forward to my breakdown, I became numb to everything, disassociated, maybe protecting myself from further harm, I don’t know. I struggled to respond in a timely manner to the mini human’s needs. I still could give them the hugs they needed, whisper the words they needed to hear, and I meant every word and hold. But as I struggled to control my feeling’s, my desires to no longer wish to walk this earth, my struggle with my own entire existence, as they watched me turn to drink and self destructive habits, I started to fail them. Something I will regret until my last breath. Though, I feel I should add, I no longer hold these destructive habits, I have safer way’s of coping, I have learnt to internalize and deal with emotions as I slowly learn to accept and embrace them.
As our son’s behavior got worse over time, we clashed, so much, I certainly couldn’t meet his needs, I feel so bad for that, I thought I was selfish, but I realize now that what I was doing, when ignoring his needs, I thought I was protecting him. It was the wrong move, I wasn’t protecting him from me, I was just isolating him from me, breaking down a bond that was once beautiful.
The most heartbreaking day was handing him over on a section 20, but we knew it was best for him, to get him the help we simply were not able to do. To learn now that foster carers tend to have training to deal with children who struggle, made me feel frustrated, esp when its since been said they want to question us on our knowledge of this so called training? How would we have any knowledge of it, when its never been spoken to us about before, or if its for foster carers, how would a standard family know of it? A hurdle, one of many put in front of us.
When we were with the 3 mini human’s, it felt like we had lost something in our home, yet it felt calmer, our hearts conflicted, but we knew we could take this time to become parents to the other mini human’s.
Unfortunately it was too late, a picture of myself as a person, women, mother, painted in such a bad light, with no questions or red flags raised, just words taken as gospel, accusations and allegations made, use of 20yr old information related to today, OH she did that then, she MUST be doing that today.
No acknowledgement of growth, change and learning, no acknowledgment of acceptance of I understand my past wasn’t great, in fact, my childhood was horrific, but the future I could change, the now, rupture and repair. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but we were working on that path, taking us to a path before my breakdown, but with knew minds, new ideas, and a lot of learning underneath us.
Now onto the title of this post!
I sit here now, alone, only my own mind for company, and I think back over everything I have done as a parent.
I accept and understand my fault’s, I understand and accept I am not good enough as human to parent the mini human’s, past mistakes forever punishing me, no matter what path I take. Any excuse or reason behind even the smallest thing, I shall forever be accused of scapegoating. Yet others can make mistakes, and I watch it brushed under the carpet, forgotten, no concerns.
I was at the biggest turning point I could have had in the last 3 yrs in my parenting, we were becoming parents and not friends, we were finding routines, and structure, we were finding discipline that works, finding emotions and understanding, we were able to talk, and most importantly we were able to listen to each other.
and then I discovered a thing called Generational Trauma, in short,
transmitted through attachment relationships where the parent has experienced relational trauma and have significant impacts upon individuals across the lifespan, including predisposition to further trauma” (Isobel, S., Goodyear, M., Furness, T., & Foster, K., 2019)
This changed so much in my mind, it made me really sit and thing, and I sat and read as much as I could to gather understanding of it
How you parent can be reflected right back to how even your great grandparents parented, and that line has to be broken. Someone needs to break it. If you are with a partner, and they too have similar, then it takes a lot of strength and determination and want to change to break that line. It’s not over night, and its small steps, some of which I see I had started to do without even realizing back in March time.
Finally understanding, whilst my parenting at times is at fault when wrong, it goes back further then this, I accept my own faults, but I don’t hold myself accountable for how my mother parented me any longer, nor do I accept that her own failed parenting was completely her fault, she didn’t and couldn’t and will never see the issues, where as I am grateful to have the knowledge to try and finally break that link.
I worry, is it too late, are our paths so different now, my husband and I currently not together, can we repair this time, will we ever even be giving the chance, or have recent changes meant, that my path now is alone, whilst he continues his in parenthood, taking with him the comfort that his concerns are over come, where as mine are in so many professionals eyes, so deep rooted, it’s simply too late?
Until then, just 3 of many books that I run through, over and over to try and get some understanding of this place that I have got so wrong and lost in.
peacefullyerratic.com 