My time here can be so negative, I cannot deny this, it’s become the norm, when you feel like you are fighting every day, when every moment is documented in a negative light, the positive never acknowledged, the good times seen and brushed away, yet the moments were one may have a normal slip, are removed from context and turned into something that is then thrown at me.
Yet the real serious negative times have been ignored, thrown away.
But this post isn’t about that, I hate speaking about myself in a positive light, I hate to be seen as bragging, as others have preferred it if I am spoken about as *her* her who does wrong things.
So I sit and look upon my puzzle and I want to say *fuck you*
A year ago, I drank, I self harmed, I struggled with understanding my own mind, I chose to block out others, I struggled with my emotions, I refused to accept the severity of life and how things where going, I knew it wasn’t right but I was simply fighting to survive every day, this latter continues, I guess it will for a long time.
For now, a personal brag about the progresses that everyone chooses to ignore, one’s I have denied, but why should I keep denying how far I have come alone, just because others wish to not to see this.
My arms are full of scars, but no longer does the red rivers run,
Unopened bottle’s, ignored, no longer encouraging me to feel emotions in an un-natural way,
Emotions felt, and controlled,
Anger soothed by way’s that ease my mind and body, instead of letting it fly,
Tears flow when I am ready, or with the moment that may require it,
Fear no longer controls me in many situations, though it sits for certain ones unspoken about,
Sadness is allowed to flow without guilt,
My voice lowers when frustrated, my language firm but controlled,
Books filled with notes, documenting day’s and tracking how I feel,
Instead of dissociation taking me some where I dont know, taking me to a place with no memory, no idea how I got to that moment, Now my mind just takes me to a safe place, still aware of surroundings, still able to function if required, yet safe whilst I internalise and cope with the result of whatever made me do that,
The start of the road to therapy has begun,
Gentle reminders to myself, I am fine, I am here, it is OK, a mantra to encourage my mind,
Just breathe, when anxiety takes over, allowing my body to work through it instead of against it,
Speaking my voice, and not being afraid of not being heard,
Every day is small steps, every day is one I never know what will bring, but no longer will I sit in the negative, as much as they want me too, I will use my time wisely, I will use it constructively, I will use it in a way that means as time goes on, you can no longer sit there and accuse me of being the person that you write about.
I know I still have a long way to go, to prove this change to prove that this is my own doing, to show that I am relearning so much as well as learning new things,
I just need that one final push, then damn there will be no stopping me!
peacefullyerratic.com 