When you lay your head to rest at night, when you close your eyes, awaiting a warmth of sleep closing over your body, I accept now, that in my world, that nightmares await, visions I fear, visions, emotions & moments I cannot escape from until my body decides its time to wake.
Yet the other night, my mind, my body decided to play games once again, A habit I thought we had fought though and broke, that time was short and sweet I have now learned, as I accept it’s back again, for how long I do not know, for I do not know if I have the strength to keep fighting but until then…

Laying my head down, prepared for the night mares, I pull the duvet up,
I close my eyes and I wait for whatever comes forth.
Suddenly a memory, a very irrelevant memory forces itself into my mind,
A memory that has sat for so long, not of importance, a simple moment in time,
One that now is replaying over in my mind, a mind that starts to question it,
Before I can even finish the question my mind flicks to another moment,
Then another, then another, every thing its showing me, irrelevant, forgotten,
Of no significance, I close my eyes tighter, praying this stops soon,
Instead a rush of memories runs through me,
I sit up, hoping this will stop soon, I hug myself in, pull the duvet over my shoulders,
Memory after memory, some on loop, rushing through my vision,
I pray for it to stop, I hold back tears, no pain, no fear, I wonder why,
I wonder why now, why is my mind doing this, Anxiety kicking in,
I scream internally asking these irrelevant memories to stop,
Breathing heavily, I try and take control of my mind,
These memories, not flashbacks, just memories replaying over and over,

handstands in the garden against the shed,
Sitting in the school library reading my favourite book,
Walking home from school running my hands along a fence,
playing with my guinea pigs in the garden, smiling at their daftness,
Shopping in the supermarket as a child, bored of the constant beeping, but excited for the kiwis,
Riding my scooter down the street,
a car ride, my daddys orange car, off to nanas for dinner,

So many, it went on and on,
all futile, just empty moments,
Moments we all take for granted every single day,
What seemed like forever,
Yet was only seconds, a hand on my shoulder,
Pulling me back,
Shaken, I couldn’t explain, Didn’t want too,
I shrug, lay back down, refuse to let tears fall,
refusing to let emotion win,
This was just a brief daft moment, right?
Just a moment, Nothing important,
Just a moment…….
Ill keep telling myself that

I’m fine, I’m Ok, this is normal, this is fine….