Something I will explore but for now, thinking out loud, needing to type whilst my brain goes into over drive,
thinking so much all the time it never stop’s, then when I do get the chance to blog, which is rare, I come across a mind that refuses to let the words flow.
So now whilst I sit in silence, when a thought crosses my mind, whilst this is here, I opened this with no idea what is to come forth other then the ramblings of a women struggling to understand, struggling to understand a realisation that whom I am, goes deeper then I ever thought, my mindset going back further then I knew, my mind and how it works, what I have gone through since my breakdown in 2019, started many years earlier, yet it simmering away, with no help, just told I was stupid, or pathetic, mocked, by professionals and friends.
Left to my own devices, Yet when I think now, how I was, why they mocked me, for what purpose other then they didn’t understand me, rather then helping me, they left me, with the cruel words floating in my mind.
I realise now, mental health, whilst situational often enough, it grows from something deep rooted, it starts some were.
Some are lucky and are able to recover fast, others not so lucky and it sits with them for years, some are able to hide it, others not.
Some refuse, or cannot recognize it, but it starts some where. Everything has to start some where.

I sit and think about my past, and I realise moments now, thing’s I do now, I often did then.
Today it’s seen as mental health issues, (something I refuse to believe I have!) Yet back then I was just told to stop being stupid.

I write this tonight, as I think of today. How this morning, when my husband left to go out for an hour, I fought my anxiety, then found myself detaching from my environment to mentally protect myself, I don’t know where my mind goes, as time means nothing, seconds, mins, hours, I don’t know, nor do I care, sometimes I think, other times memories visit, sometimes I simply cannot tell you.
Later that day, having been out for lunch, when driving my car home, sitting in silence, the only sound the radio, I find myself dissociating once again, I find myself on auto pilot, yet nothing feeling real, car’s coming towards me, all different, yet to me they are just black boxes driving past, faceless body’s driving them, Lorries fast blurs, nothing making sense, everything seems like’s it’s in a fog.

Why do I mention this?
Sometimes in my moments of *not being here* Memories can flash through my mind, I was thinking of today, and It took me back to a time I was struggling, but it wasn’t seen as struggling.
I recall vividly a day, I had a meeting, for what, I shall not say, but it wasn’t great, I struggled emotionally, I was living in a supported unit, 6 little self contained flats with communal areas, the meeting in the kitchen over,
I stood up and walked to the doorway, I stopped, lent against it, everyone around me fading.
I shook myself as a voice of a *support worker* yelled in my ear, “you ever going to bloody move” , I looked at her, blankly, said sorry, just had a moment, “A moment? more like 45 mins you have been stood there like an idiot”
I apologised, head down, I ran off fast, I wanted to cry, I hadn’t realised, I went into my flat shut the door, and tried to carry on as though it never happened.

Looking back at this moment, day’s before the internet as we know it, Mental health a stigma,
Is what I am going through something that has always been there, was what I was doing my way of protecting myself from the mental & emotional trauma I was going through?
Unseen, uncared about, how I was, mocked, misunderstood, a joke, told to stop being like I was as would never get any where, no support, no friends, just left because who I was, wasn’t fitting to a norm.
Yet today, It would be seen as mental health?

I write no more, but it’s made me think so much, about who I am, that person who I am struggling to find or know.

For one though, the only thing I do know,

*I am not afraid*