When thing’s get bad, I try and blog it within 24/48 hours to be able to try and process my feelings, my thoughts, try and clear my head, yet here I am a week in, only just sitting down now, but my head is just chaos, there is no clarity.
The urge and the need to document yet another day that effected more then I could ever say,
despite its non urgency, not seriousness, sits in the rock bottom of my mind.
I sit now, and document my journal via photographic means, but I can’t do that forever,
I used to find my words with strength and impact, but now words mean nothing,
they are empty and hollow. Simply letters on a keyboard, letters on a screen,
Repeated over and over, until they become something that isn’t what they were,
Or what they are meant to be,
Words, letters, sit in my mind, no longer pushing forward, demanding to be written,
A rush of blur through a mind, nothing stopping for long, just reminders, just moments,
Yet no words to describe a feeling of emptiness and nothingness,
Driving my car just a short drive today, I felt tears falling, but no words came to mind,
I wanted to drive the other way and not look back,
I wanted to drive until the words came,
My mind plays games, I say I am fine, but those words are simply letters on my lips,
Letters that flow naturally, via habit, when in reality, they are nothing,
For this reason, I simply cannot document a day last week,
That I drove over 110 miles,
Just to clear an already empty mind, a day I drove and drove,
A day I realised I am not fine, yet I cannot explain why I am not,
I type this now, with no intention, no sense, no reason, no rhyme,
I guess I am just hoping to nudge something within me,
Something to make sense, a reason, a feeling.
*I am not afraid
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