This time last year, I was sat on a bridge, time meaning nothing, people meaning nothing, words just hollow, I craved solitude, I didn’t want whatever was then.
A year ago, I was on a path of self destruction, do I still walk that path, I can’t answer that, well not truthfully, I shall say, I have not walked off it, as I still struggle alone with no help or support, but I am not walking head first into oblivion, currently.
Today I tried to make a normal day, thought a year ago would not effect me, why should it? I am not there, I am here, right? Feeling detached is still my normal, no emotions, this is starting to scare me, as I fear if one day it will hit me hard, and I don’t know what will happen, but for now.
Driving me car, my mind empties, I slow my driving, no pull over place,
A car horn behind me, as they race past, their life one of a rush, urgency,
I hold my breath as a shiver runs through my body,
Too far from home, I can’t turn back, I focus on my destination,
Praying that was just a moment, yet a feeling over came me,
One I couldn’t shift, I set my mind to auto pilot, get today done.
Walking through the town, my mind shows me images,
I don’t understand, there is no trigger,
I am no where near that location, what is my mind playing at,
Shaking myself I push on, giving myself a mental slap, I push on,
Hours later, driving home, as the sun is setting behind the clouds,
A soft light falling over the world, I find a place to pull over,
The feeling not having left me at all, One I cannot describe,
I sit and watch, traffic flying by, but my mind wasn’t there in that time,
Fading light, nothing but black beneath my feet,
As the car fades away from my view,
Water, nature, nothing but the solitude I crave,
I wanted to be there, I was there, but I was here,
Confused, refusing to allow tears to fall,
I wonder what if’s, I question the now, I fear the tomorrow,
I need to get home, I have to be OK,
Stop being stupid, go home, this is nonsense,
Yet I couldn’t work out reality from memories,
Struggle to understand reality from memories,
Darkness falling over me, the moonlight reflecting off darkened waters,
A cold shiver running through me once more,
The sound of birds, the sound of the wind rushing around my body,
I pull the car into drive, check the mirror once,
Flying out of the layby, no care for my safety,
No other car’s around, I focus on getting home,
The Next 20 mins, my mind a game,
laughing at me, tricking me, I hate myself,
I don’t understand this, seeing my home,
Hearing voices I know, I manage to pull myself together,
I have to think of them, stop being so stupid.
I am OK, I have to be OK, I am sure I will pay for this soon, but untill then I am OK
I have been asked before, to recognise triggers, to be able to then avoid them, deal with them, but how can I, when there is no trigger? How can I when, sometimes, just sometimes, life throws me a moment that I simply cannot avoid, How can I avoid a day? 24hrs, they cannot be wiped out? I wish they could, maybe then life would be easier to cope with, but until that moment happens, I shall have to cope as and when it hits me, and pray I can get through it.
https://peacefullyerratic.com/2019/10/17/becoming-friends-with-my-demons/
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