90% of flash backs so far have been in home, or in privacy, a place where I can hide,
A place of safety, whether in my home or in my car, or in a place were no one sees me
Tonight my mind played games, tonight, in front of others, I broke,
I write this embarrassed and ashamed of my reaction and actions.
Sitting with a neighbour in her own home, speaking of babysitting,
My mind reminds me of the times, I was once babysat,
We speak of what is done at a time someone babysits, A child to behave,
My mind starts to speak a story I once walked,
I try and shake off the feelings, I am here now, not there,
My youngest daughter lifts a blanket, pulls it over her head,
My mind starts to flicker, a memory starts to replay in my mind,
I try and fight it off, I didn’t want or need this now,
My daughter drops to her knees, my mind runs to the past,
My daughter curls up, my mind is back to a child,
The blanket over her head, curled up on her knees,
I am back on the floor, curled up, a large blanket over me,
Told to stay silent, told I am not here,
I hear the TV, I hear voices, but I am not to move,
I have to stay under here, not seen not heard,
My mother at work, this women to babysit me in her home,
I had to follow her rules, not allowed out from under here,
Until lunch time, then I would be allowed 15 mins,
Until 15 mins before I was due to go home,
On my knees under this blanket I had to stay,
My daughter on her knees, a shape under a blanket,
I grabbed the nearest object to me, not caring,
I wanted to run, the tears flowing, I was running from the room of the past,
I wanted to curl up, I wanted to hide from the women of the past,
I wanted to scream, yet nothing left my body,
A simple moment in reality, yet many moments in my mind,
I ran to my home, I sat and cried, as reminders washed over me,
As memories forced into the now,
I ran for a shower, I needed to escape,
I needed to forget, I needed reality, yet I couldn’t find it,
Until the red rivers flowed, physical pain,
Seeing blood flow, seeing my body react to a now,
The only thing to tell me this is here, that was then.
I am not afraid.
peacefullyerratic.com 