Room’s

Do you ever sit there and reflect on your day, do you recall the room you where in? Is it reality or is it a room of the past? I know this post will not be written as eloquently as I wish, but no longer do I care.

Laying in bed, I wait for my body to relax, I wait for sleep to visit,
I am aware before this moment, my mind will run over the day’s events,
Whilst torturing me with every mistake over the past 12 months, yet those don’t matter.

The past few hours whilst awake, I was in my own home, my safe bubble,
Yet my mind laughs at me, as it replays moments and exaggerates them,
OK I can do this, I can cope with this, this is standard?

As I close my eye’s, I know my mind will make me reflect on the past few hours,
I lay and wait for that time to replay, when suddenly I find myself in my old home,
Today’s memories replayed in yesterday’s memories, a confusing mix,

My mind replay’s what happened today, but it refuses to see beyond the past,
I find myself in my home from my teenage year’s, I find myself in a room full of pain,
I find myself in a home of no escape, I see my old home with today’s memories,
I cannot separate the two, I cannot pull the two into different worlds,
As they blend into one, as my feeling’s become numb, as my mind screams in desperation,

Today’s memories played in yesterday’s memories,
Today’s time as a adult replayed in yesterday’s moment’s.

It makes me uncomfortable, yet I simply cannot turn off,
I cannot pull myself away from the dining room of the past,

Then and now confused, my sleep becomes confused and disturbed,
I struggle as no longer is the reassuring hand there, the comfort gone,
Their own needs more important, so I struggle as needed to pull myself from this time,

Breathing deeper, trying to understand the then from now,
Are these yesterday’s memories playing into today’s games,
Or are they today’s memories playing into yesterday’s games,

I no longer know as I fight these battles, as tears threaten to visit,
I have no control, I have no hope, I have nothing then fear,

Yet

I am not afraid, as my demons over the past few day’s settle on by side,
As my mind calms, as the knot builts.

I am not afraid