Hugs, cuddles, squishes, what ever you chose to call this sign of affection, its meant to be one of warmth and love, esp from a parent right?
Welcome to my world were from a mother this moment was one of pain and discomfort. It started with her hugging me so tight, bear hug I think can be a term, but for her it was beyond that, it was one of holding to restrict you till you screamed out in pain before she let go. It then moved onto bear hug including digging her fingers and nails into my rib cage, her version of tickling me, but instead it would cause me great pain and tears as I struggled to get away, the other option was her putting her fists into my back and digging them in as she hugged me.
In simple terms, a hug from my mother was one that was never one of fun, or a source of comfort, it was one of pain and hell.
I soon stopped asking for cuddles, but then she would wait until I was in a place I couldn’t escape and squeezing me in tight and hurting me. It only ever lasted a couple mins but those 2 mins were awful. I don’t struggle with affection now, I struggle if grabbed in tight, unless I start it, all I struggle with is my back being touched, (actually touch my back full stop and ill most likely freak out, its only great trust from me do you ever get to touch my back!)
I’ll never know or understand her reason of causing me pain, physical esp. It’s a theme that runs through out my journey, one I will never try to understand, nor do I think I want too.
Remember what you do with your child today will impact on them not just tomorrow, but potentially in many years to come.
Peacefully Erratic
peacefullyerratic.com 