*drunken ramblings*
Life is measured by time and memories, everything comes down to time and these so called memories.
Time waits for no one, so one has to base their life around a controlled situation, yet you should learn to manage that time wisely, believing it to be your own, within your own power and use it to your advantage and for good memories and bad, the latter sometimes being not our choice, depending on how our paths go.
I harp on about memories, because my belief at the end, is we are just memories, nothing but memories, we are built on them, we are chosen by them, we are remembered by them.
Time and memories are one thing I struggle with, I don’t want anything now, I am happy to wait, as long as I know there is a reason to wait and that the result will happen. Empty promises mean nothing to me. I’m bored of them, yet so used to them. I’m bored of the bit in between, the waiting, the moments of nothing, the moments where time is pointless. The memories I struggle with is as I remember I’m not wanted, never have been, the memories I cannot cope with as I remember whilst I’m not wanted, I was a useful tool for others to use and abuse as required.
Life is meant to be free, yet it’s controlled, life is meant to be one of fun and enjoyment. And whilst I agree in some ways, as I have some of those moments, sadly many more plus some have been worse. Those are the over riding thoughts right now. Remembering a time that I wish would have stayed being a door, remembering pain, physical and mental, remembering times that someone should never experience.
I use the word sadly as my life has been one of hell from as young as I can remember. Beaten for lying, beaten for telling the truth. Abused for being me, a child, abused for being a teenager, hated for being independent yet loved for the unique and weird person I became.
Nothing made sense. Nothing was right, my time was decided by moments of waiting for the next volatile moment.
My memories created who I am now. Someone who sees no hope, people say look to what you have, make that your goal. Yet how can i make something i already have my goal. How can I make something I have already ruined my goal.
I spread nothing but misery were ever I go. I can’t do this for much longer, time for me now is counting. I’m so done with it all
peacefullyerratic.com 