April 10th 2019, I got asked, how do we stop you returning to the path you got too last week?
Peacefully Erratic
I didn’t respond, but if I had, my reply would have been a whispered….
.
*but I’ve not left it yet*
Just a week after I was found near The Tamar Bridge (You can read that blog post here, I thought I had it all sorted, could keep the mask on and keep going, act normal, despite knowing that path was still beneath my feet. I didn’t know where it would take me next, if it would even take me any where, but I had a knot in my stomach. One I have come to recognize that means my mind is about to take a bad turn, a feeling that builds up the knot gets stronger and suddenly BAM, I have no idea whats going on, all I know it isn’t good. I still have that knot to this day, bubbling away in the background, not quite left me, but not building up, it scares me as, as I sit and write this post, I feel OK, don’t understand concerns about my mental health. Yet I don’t know what tomorrow holds.
Anyway I divert, Back to the evening of April 10th leading into April 11th.
I wish I could sit and describe everything in detail, but my mind is blocking out most bar the emotion I was feeling. I was drinking a lot, I was talking a lot. It was late in the evening around 11pm, my husband mentioned going to bed. I replied I wanted time on my own to listen to music, I wanted a distraction from my mind. He agreed, left me with a drink and a bottle and headed to bed.
I turned out the lights, turned on the hifi, and sat in my chair in the kitchen, the knot was building, I wanted something, I didn’t know what, I felt anger, I felt alone, not alone as in put someone in the room with you and your not alone feeling, it was pure loneliness.
I went to the sink, grabbed a knife wanted to feel something physical, dragging it across my arms, it did nothing, everything so blunt, frustrated I threw the knife to the side, slid to the floor, calling out to my husband, tears falling I needed someone. When no answer came, no wish to go upstairs, wearing just PJ bottoms a fleece jumper and socks, I grabbed the rum bottle another knife, and then I did the only thing I knew.
I left the house, I didn’t have a plan or a direction, I just went.
I found myself on the camel trail, it was pitch black, the floor under my feet hard and rough, the cold seeping through my clothes, yet I walked and kept walking. I walked until my feet said stop. I sat, drank some rum, but for some reason it was of no interest to me. I tried using the knife to harm myself, realizing that too was blunt, I sat and just , well sat.
My mind blank yet full, hurting yet numb. I don’t know how long for, but I sat. Until I decided I needed to move, standing I was confused, which way had I come, which way did I need to go, which way was which? Feeling shaky, looking up at the moon, I said out loud, *someone please, just please what do I do*
Walking in a direction, I found myself back at the start of the camel trail. Frustrated and looking back were I had come from, did I walk back into the dark or did I continue and retrace where I had come from to start? Spotting someone with a torch I dove into a hedge. After a few moments they left and I walked, walked the streets and in a direction to get me out of the town.
Seeing people walk past I shied away, holding the rum and knife close, heart pounding avoiding any sort of eye contact, I kept my head down and walked.
My mind at this point was set that my husband was in bed snoring and no one knew I was gone, it was all good, I could get to where ever my feet were taking me and deal with it when I got there.
Cars driving past me, I glanced occasionally but tried to focus on nothing, focus on nothing but walking. It wasn’t long before a larger car was driving slowly, no lights, feeling uncomfortable I took a change of direction.
Bad move on my part, I ended up on what looked like a dead end, so I sort of loitered, unsure what to do.
No idea how long for, I stood behind a building realizing I literally had no where to go, I started towards the front of the building where I saw the car I had seen earlier plus a police car. Taking a deep breath I returned to the spot I just left, hearing a car rumble behind me, then the opening of a car door and then my arm was grabbed by a police officer.
Angry and frustrated but wanting to hide my thoughts, I pulled my mask straight on, said I was just going for a walk, all is fine. Sitting down, I realized the normal car was someone I knew, slapping on a smile, whilst under my breath calling him every name under the sun, I forced out humor and knowing I had no choice, I allowed him to take me home.
My husband had noticed I was gone, was worried and had called the police, annoyed at him for wasting their time, I went to bed, nursing my feet which were blistered to hell, (Wasn’t fussed it just added to the load of bruises from the week before) shivering from the cold and all of a sudden so very tired.
The knot eased over the next few days, as the mental health team were coming in, finding them intrusive, I just pulled that mask back on and said the words they wanted to hear. I could keep this up for now, life can carry on as normal, as for me this was normal, I was OK.
I don’t know what I was aiming for that night, I don’t know where I was going, I didn’t have a plan, I just knew I wanted to be away from where ever it was I was. I think in some ways I was trying to escape my mind, walking doesn’t quite do that though, yet when you have hit that point, rational and reason do not come into play.
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