A Precious Life Changing Memory : Chapter 1

This chapter of my life is long, a memory that continues to this day, a memory that will never end. It’s one I need to break down into more then one part, as it really is chapters and a series of events in my life, a part of my life that really changed me. Don’t get me wrong every path has changed me slightly, but this is one that turned me from a child to a women. I hope I can make this chapter a memory that remains precious, no matter how much pain it brings on remembering.
These chapters will bring a note of negativity as that is entwined through out my life, but the positive I want to stand out, even if it is out numbered.

June 1999: I found myself in a place, that back then many 17 year old’s didn’t want to be in.
I discovered I was pregnant, my world suddenly became turned upside down, even more so then from it was. (I often wonder if that is even possible but yes, I think it is)
As was back then, there was teenage pregnancy stigma, nasty comments about my age and so forth, Abortion was thrown at me, but despite my circumstances, that was never going to be an option. The two main friends I had kept dear, thought I was mad but would stand by me regardless. School was behind me, college was not an option, (though during the pregnancy I actually managed a full term of art college before it became too much) jobs were sparse and not to be encouraged in my world.
The discovery of the pregnancy came shortly after being at the Spiritualist Church, no they didn’t tell me, they aren’t that good, but one lady spoke me, Mary was her name, saying she couldn’t put her finger on it, but something in her eyes was different with me, it was niggling her.
Confused It played on my mind. Missing a period a week or so later, Mary was my first thought. Contacting her, she asked if she could buy a pregnancy test. Yes sure. Sitting in her bathroom a day or so later, as a positive line came up, every emotion flew through my body. Mary grinned at me, *I knew it, not exactly this, just something different was happening, congratulations* shortly followed by a massive hug and cuppa. Mary has since passed over, but she is one never to be forgotten in my memories, as a lady who had a low tolerance of idiots but gave you her heart and warmth when you needed it. And being there for me, when I needed someone calm and sensible and non controlling meant so much.

I don’t actually remember the moment I told my mother, I believe it came along with replies of told you so, I knew it, lets tell the whole world right now and so on, I don’t remember nor do I want the precious memory of the right moment ruined, so we will leave this here.

The original date this little bundle was due to enter the world was
January 7th 2000,
A millennium baby.

My pregnancy was one of ease and one I couldn’t grumble over. Though looking back I wish I had had more control, I wish that the pregnancy had been mine and mine alone. I was going to be a single parent, without a doubt, but another person had other ideas on this child, and that was my mother. I don’t know if she saw it as easy money (more benefits when she wasn’t working), whether she saw it as someone she could control as by this time I was starting to fight back a little with some things or whether there was another part of which I would never know or understand. Either way, what she wanted for this child, she got.

I remember pram hunting, my late father offered to purchase a pram for me, excited we hit the (only) baby shop in town, and I chose what I thought was the perfect one, It was black and green but I loved it, perfect for the little boy whom I was carrying. A deposit was put down, with plans to pay rest before the little bundle arrived. A week or so later, the pram was no longer an option, my mother deemed it not suitable and decided instead to hunt for second hand prams at car boot sales. I was heartbroken but I let it go.

This continued with many things throughout the pregnancy, to the point I let her get on with it, not for a quiet life, but because (and I only see this now) her manipulation skills were pretty strong and very clever. She got me believing she knew best and if I didn’t do things her way then I was a bad bad person hurting her feelings etc. My feelings/wants/thoughts needs were of no importance. My privacy was also not of importance to her, for example, she would tell people we met in town personal information about me and my body and the pregnancy, It was almost like I was a toy, something to show off and claim an ownership on. I won’t describe the most embarrassing one, lets just say I walked out of Barclays bank in tears wishing the ground would swallow me whole right there and then.

There was one thing I was able to stand strong on, his name this little bundle was going to have, a name I had always said I would call my first born boy, she tried, Oh she tried, but I wasn’t going to budge. Even my sister kept saying she hated the name and gave me other suggestions, I would play along, shrug, knowing when it came to the birth certificate only my words would count. I won’t name him here, lets just call him H.

Coming up to the end of the pregnancy it did get boring, waddling round desperately keen to meet this little bundle, but I loved every little kick, every movement.
The Spiritualist Church, the one place I never felt judged, one where they welcomed me, excited for me and so so eager to meet the little bundle when he arrived. They had promised they would do his naming ceremony and said anything I needed, they would be there. Obviously brain washed me only listened to my mother (really wish I could call her something else, but oh well).

New Years eve hit, One thing with the 2000 coming round, the newspapers and media was hot on the millennium bug, along with the Nostradamus predictions of the world ending at that moment, Hell my mother was hot on the latter. My anxiety levels coming up to New Years eve was high, as the clock struck midnight, I held by bump, wishing a long and amazing future, as the clock went past midnight and into the New Year, I was able to let go of the held breath, able to let tension ease, knowing I would be able to hold the little bundle in my arms, whenever that may be. (a month max by that point, still too long for me though)

What frustrates me looking back, I had so much support outside of the family home, through friends, through the church and beyond, but I was so brainwashed by my mother, it never even entered my mind to turn to anyone else, I was made to believe they were wrong, nasty, and not worth knowing. I believed every word that spilled from her mouth, her word was to me the truth.
I regret that so much, I regret falling for her lies, but what is done is done, Nothing can change that.

Going back to the little bundle, my due date was fast approaching, when people saw me the questions of he’s not here yet began, esp as my due date came and went. I was excited nervous, and apprehensive. The nursery ready, the cot made up, teddies laid out, outfits hanging in the wardrobe, nappies and other essentials all there just waiting to be used…

I didn’t have long to wait though after his due date, before the docs decided it was time for a eviction notice….
Chapter 2